Manchild's Choice

Manchild is in the process of applying to university. He went to a university fair today in TO, and I just sat down with him to get his thoughts. His top 3 picks are .... Ottawa, Guelph, and Waterloo. In that order. It hit me hard when he told me that he wants to go to Ottawa - I never figured that he'd be so far away. I should be happy (and I am) because he is doing his research - when I asked him why he chose Ottawa as his 1st choice he mentioned things like they have a lot of bursaries and scholarships; he can continue his studies in french so he doesn't lose the language; it's a great city. He doesn't know anybody who is applying there, and I'm proud of him for doing that. I know that a lot of his friends are making decisions based on where everybody else is applying, or where their boyfriend goes to university.

So I've read the booklets that he brought home, and OMG - it's going to cost about $15,000 A YEAR for him to study! I can't afford that - I'm trying to put myself through school right now! I think that I'm in denial .... I don't have a grip on the reality of the university bills that are going to be coming in. I've saved some money in a RESP, and I know that his dad has been diligent about that as well (especially all those years that he wasn't paying child support ... I'm just sayin'). So now he's got to rely on the scholarships and OSAP. I've applied for a scholarship as well, and I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get it.

It's times like these that I wish that I had a man around who would figure all of this out. I'm overwhelmed.

Analyze this ....

I started my Masters in Counseling Psychology this month - yes, on top of being a single mom, commuting, teaching 3 courses this semester, developing 1 course, training for my cycling, and trying to have a life. The first course that I'm taking is an introduction to personality theories and counseling techniques. Really, really interesting ... and a great review for someone who hasn't taken a psychology course in about 20 years!

We just did a section on Freud and his psychoanalytic theory. I can see what I'm going to be doing for the next few months - I'm going to analyze the shit out of myself. I can't help it. It helps me to learn the theory if I apply it to something that I know. And I like to think that I really know me and that I have the power of insight. As a mother, psychoanalytic theory is scary. Freud puts a huge emphasis on the first 6 years of life and the bulk of the responsibility lies with the mother's relationship with the child. Now that my kids are older (12 and 17) I wonder about how functional they will be in the real world and in relationships. How did I screw them up? Everybody is bound to have screwed up their kids in one way or another - I know that I am completely messed up from my childhood (and sadly, most has to do with the mother issues that I have). But the work that I've done, and the insight, have allowed me to fix a lot of things.

My friend L told me that a guy friend of ours once said to her "It is freaky how Marta can see right through me and know exactly what my issues are and where I'm always coming from." Uh huh. I am good at that, hence the interest in counseling. I also know that it can scare the shit out of people .... mostly men. I think that Sparky totally caught on to the fact that I could see right through him and his "woe is me, feel sorry for me" stories weren't working anymore. So he has to go out and find new people (read: women) to keep the cycle of sympathy going. He also wasn't (isn't) ready to face up to the truth behind his choices and actions. A pivotal moment in counseling is determining when the client is ready to face their "stuff".

A little analysis is fun. It's not like I sit there and completely break down and interpret everything that a guy is saying to me on the first date. I usually wait until the 4th or 5th date for that ....

The Challenge

Did you hear about that guy who started a blog called "Find me a Wife?" Well, it worked for him - he's getting married. This guy started a blog a while back and he displayed his phone number and promised to meet women if they contacted him and he would fly anywhere in the world to meet them! Sounds like he had quite the adventures .... I think that he visited about 6 different countries on his search. And he found his future wife in his own hometown of Montreal.

This whole searching for a partner thing takes a lot of work. I'm exhausted from online dating and keeping track of the people who contact me, and having to email them, and deciding which ones to MSN, and which ones to Facebook, and who actually gets my number, and who will I meet in person. Whew. I wish the ideal guy would just knock on my door. And I have to wade through the nutjobs, and the damaged ones, and the guys who smother their children with "single dad guilty syndrome".

I want a similar challenge - find me a man. Maybe if I post my blog website on my Facebook page then people will read it and spread the word. Maybe my friends know someone, and if that guy isn't right for me then maybe Mr. Wrong knows Mr. Right. I'm ready ... boy am I ever ready.

Sex addiction my ass

Is it just me or have we created all sorts of new syndromes and addictions to explain away poor behaviour on the part of some individuals? The one that really gets me - the sex addict. A man (or woman) can now have an excuse for why he watches 4 hours of internet porn everyday, and/or masturbates his day away, and/or cheats on his partner, and/or has to have one-night stands with as many women as he can get.

A true addiction has a physiologic component to it. An alcoholic or drug addict goes through extreme withdrawal symptoms if they don't feed their addiction. I suppose that a person who engages in the activities listed above has a problem if this interferes with their everyday life, but who's to say that a guy can't masturbate 10 times a day and still function properly at work and at home.

Somebody who cheats constantly on their partner, continually surfs for porn, or beds multiple partners has poor impulse control. And some sort of underlying sadness or "stuff" that needs to be dealt with. Putting a label on the guy .... where is the incentive to take ownership and smarten up? David Duchovney is probably laughing his ass off in "sex addict rehab" because now he is not to blame for cheating on his wife for years. It was his "addiction".

Please explain ....

A few of life's mysteries:

1. Yo yo weight. I'm up, I'm down. I realize that I've had far too much beer and dessert this past summer, but the clothes that I had put away a few months ago are now starting to fit again. How can inches be lost and found that rapidly?
2. Why is it that when I tell my (single) friends to try online dating they find somebody in like a week, when I've been looking ... and looking ... and looking for what seems like forever?
3. Insomnia - every Sunday before another work week.
4. Can somebody please explain the whole liquid restriction thing for flights? Why can we carry liquids in small containers, and then multiple containers in small baggies, but as soon as you're one handcream over the limit - no way.
5. Why is it that when I show male friends the same sort of affection that I show my female friends they get all weird and don't know what to do? I'm just being nice - I don't want you! Stop it!
6. I get so excited when I have plans to go out on the weekend. Doesn't matter what I'm doing - a party, drinks with a friend, dinner .... anything social. So I make myself look pretty, strap on a pair of killer shoes, have a drink, and then yawn. Yawn! What the - I can't be tired! I want to party like it's 1999! I want to meet new people! Why am I yawning?!?
7. While we're on the subject of shoes, why is there a direct relationship between killer shoes and the number of blisters that will develop on your feet from wearing them?
8. Still speaking of shoes ..... crocs ..... why?
9. Why is it that when older males (like 40 +) drink in a public venue they all of a sudden think that acting like they're 20 again is attractive? Wrestling with your fellow gray-hairs is not cool. Nor is ogling the teenage girls.
10. Acne is your 40's. Life is cruel.