Je suis triste

I promise that's the last french title that you will see in a while. I woke up completely bummed today. And then I read the newspaper and I'm even more morose. I realize that I'm freaking tired from my trip - both K and I had a hard time recovering from the jet lag thing (although personally I think that we were both feeling the effects of how much our lives have sucked the energy out of us because things are less than stellar for both of us right now). And I haven't been feeling well since my surgery, to the point where I'm convinced that some nerve damage was done and I'm going to have a sore throat for the rest of my life. I'm just so darn sad today.

For some reason I am painfully aware of how alone I am. The reality of nobody loving me hits me hard sometimes, and it seems to come up whenever I return home from a trip and there is nobody to greet me at the airport or I come home to an empty house. And then I start the usual "what the fuck is so wrong with me that nobody loves me" crap. Self pity at its best.

And then this morning I'm up early, make some coffee (the old Timmies just ain't the same as that lovely, strong, Parisian cafe), and sit down with the newspaper. What the fuck is wrong with this world? So much hatred! By the end of the first section I was in tears. We are living in the age of anger. Ethnic and religious conflicts dominate every corner of this planet - and yet, forgiveness is a central foundation of every major religion. Why aren't we practicing that? The late June Callwood said that forgiveness is what life is all about. I don't see this being practiced anywhere. Domestic brutality, road rage, random slaughtering of innocents, disparaging comments ...... why is everybody so angry? Have we reduced ourselves to an instinctual animal mentality of kill before getting killed?

Do you ever feel like there's no hope for us? The way that society is "evolving" (and I use this term lightly) scares me. Makes me want to crawl back into bed and just sleep.