Top 10 things you don't want to hear from your new teacher:

10. My name is Mr. Parker ... but if the feds ask, I'm Mr. Johnson.
9. Sorry I'm late ... some bullies threw me into a locker.
8. Anybody need any lottery tickets or cigarettes?
7. My system is simple ... I assign grades by height.
6. I will learn your names when I sober up.
5. Science, scientology. What's the difference?
4. Today you'll be dissecting the person sitting next to you.
3. Daddy is sleepy ... wake me at 4.
2. I'm gonna learn you all kinds of smart things.
1. Show of hands ... who has a single, slutty mom?

(Compliments of Dave Letterman - September 8, 2005)