Positively exhausted!

This positivity shite is tiring! I have moments, sometimes lasting entire days, that I have to consciously think about being positive and chase away negative thoughts. My behaviours and thought patterns have been ingrained from childhood, and while that's no excuse, I fight the battle everyday. Coming from a pessimistic father, and an unhappy mother - it ain't easy.

Last night - awake with full-blown panic attacks. Again. Thinking about September, and the fact that I have a lot of responsibility work-wise (teaching 4 days/week) and I have no idea what the week will entail for my kids. Or who will make sure that they get out of bed and to school on time. I have to teach 8am classes on some days - do you have any idea how early I need to get up on these days? 5am? 4:30am? Fuck.

And my dating world .... I've done a lot of thinking about this over the past week. And I've decided that my neuroses are sabotaging any chance that I have of forming a long-term attachment to somebody and I don't have a freaking clue as to what I'm doing. I need therapy (again).

I've decided that I need to keep busy so that my head doesn't have time to think. Distractions are my friends right now. Maybe not the healthiest plan for dealing with life, but it just might work for me. So here's the deal:

• start guitar lessons
• volunteer for something (a friend has just been declared the Green Party candidate for the upcoming provincial election - I can help with that)
• crank up the cycling again
• lots of home projects to do
• work my butt off with my courses
• back to a regular routine at the gym - spinning, weights, and throw in some yoga
• finish applications for grad school

Onwards and forwards.