Loneliness
Last night, I had a conversation with some of my friends about the difference between being alone and being lonely. You see, I like being alone - it wasn't always that way, but I have come to enjoy my own company and I don't freak out if there isn't somebody there to reinforce that I am a loveable person. In fact, the times in my life where I was terrified of being alone were the times in my life that I made some really bad decisions. What I do not like, however, is feeling lonely. It's the complete lack of intimacy in my life that makes me sad (and I'm not just talking about the physical "intimacy" if you know what I mean .....). For anyone who knows me really well, I thrive on the close, personal relationships that I form with people - friends, family, partners - and I tend to back away from superficial, chit chat, acquaintance-type relationships.

I have a few friends who have all announced the end of their marriages in the last few months. And I worry about some of them because I don't think that they will handle being alone very well. In fact, I already see some very bad decisions being made and I worry how far their "acting out" is going to go and the effect that it will have on their children. I know what they're going through - I've been there (twice) and while I would never judge them, I also have a really hard time standing by and watching them behave like they were in highschool again.

So back to the lonely versus being alone. How do you conquer the loneliness? I can't let my guard down even for a second, and the chances of a relationship in the near future isn't looking promising. I realize that this has everything to do with me and that one day I will need to trust somebody. My good friend J actually called me on something last night which surprised me - she told me that I'm a "runner" - whenever there is the slightest chance of getting close to somebody I run. Bless her - I thought that I hid that really, really well. Close friends cannot be fooled!