Helpless and Blue
Do you listen to melancholy music when you're feeling down? It's been a blue weekend for me, so I've been listening to KD Lang's version of "Helpless" over and over - very fitting.
On Friday my friend C came to see me at work. To tell me that she has a brain tumour. She's 26. I was shocked, and dropped everything that I had to do in the afternoon so that I could go with her to get a MRI (once again I am thankful for all the connections that we have in the medical field). Nobody should have to deal with these things alone. It broke my heart having to face all the doctors, biopsies, and appointments on my own when I was going through cancer hell. Right after the MRI, we went to see an oncologist and she was able to pull up the scans pronto on her computer. And then she picked up the phone and got C an appointment that very afternoon to see the best neurosurgeon around. So we hopped in a cab and made a beeline to another hospital and C was seen right away.
So the "good" news is that the tumour is most likely benign. She'll lose her hearing in her right ear on account of the surgery, but her life is no doubt changed forever. Sorry C - I know that you read my blog ... you know that you have a lot of people that love you and will help you get through this.
When I got home on Friday, I went and did this Art Walk thing to help Flake with his campaign for the Green Party. And then I had a good cry when I got home. I feel so fucking alone and lonely. The afternoon shook me, and I didn't have anybody to give me a hug or who cares about my well-being. That just weighs on me huge sometimes. And I haven't been able to shake the blues all weekend. I know that I'm just generally feeling sorry for myself (that and a bit of PMS), but for god's sake - is there ever going to be somebody who wants to get to know me and get close to me? Plenty of men have been loving the thrill of the chase, and plenty of men want to touch me. Big deal. I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes. And somebody who cares.
posted by Marta at
8:04 pm
4 Comments:
Marta, that you came with me on Friday meant the world to me. You are so calming and reassuring, and made the whole day easier to bear.
All I can hope for is that this experience gives me a fraction of the strength that you've developed as a result of what you've had to deal with in your life so far. Don't worry - I'll be fine!
9:19 pm
This means nothing because you don't know me - but I went through the same feelings that you are having now about being alone. I am a bright, good looking (not stunning) woman, who is financially secure (because I made myself that way), know my way around putting a dinner party for 12 together, can not only cook and clean, but can refinish hardwood floors if needed. Yet all the men in my life didn't seem to appreciate that - but I heard a lot from them about the women who broke their hearts (usually women who sounded like they were really dizty and couldn't think about life beyond the next 5 minutes!). So my conclusion is that men talk about wanting a self-confident and financially independent woman, but what they really want is someone to rescue (hence all the men who hook up with dizty women). The question I had to confront is did I want to be rescued? - I decided that it would be better to rescue myself. Am I still looking for a man to be in my life? - yes, but if it doesn't happen I have other plans. You sound like a smart woman who more or less has it together, a good friend and support.
11:52 am
You are loved, my dear friend. And if the people around you aren't responding to you the way you would like, then the wrong people are around you.
Step back and count your blessings. Healthy Marta, healthy kids, cohesive family, safe place to live: the basics are there. Now figure out what you want and go get it, one tiny step at a time. You can do it.
12:48 pm
I know you've heard it all before, all that clowngirl said, but I have to agree with anonymous more. I also happen to know you have hit that conclusion too by now. Being independent is great, but finding a partner to be a complement to your independence is really what we are all looking for. It's gotta be out there, and you're so right not to settle again.
I'm here is you need to talk, anytime. Doesn't PMS bite the big one???
10:06 pm
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