Feeling hot, hot hot.

Good lord - it's hot here. I walked to Union Station today and the sweat was dripping down my back by the time that I got there. I passed a sign that indicated the temperature - 94 stinking degrees ... and that's without the humidity! My poor plants and lawn are suffering. We need some rain. And I don't even want to discuss what this weather is doing to my hair - afro was never a good look for me.

Some fallout from my insomnia - I fell asleep on the train today and woke up just as we were pulling into the station. I have never done that before. A few more minutes and I would have been on my way to Brantford. I need to get a good night's sleep!

Sleep deprived

Insomnia is a strange state of being. I'm being hit on a regular basis - on Saturday I didn't fall asleep until 4am, and this morning I'm wide awake at 5am. There's no use fighting it, is there? I don't know about you, but when I start having bouts of sleeplessness it can make me feel a little crazy. Tossing and turning in my bed .... I start ruminating about everything. Mundane things, men, world peace - you name it. I just want to shut my brain OFF!

I have set certain goals for myself this year when it comes to men. And I'm falling way short of these goals. Before you start rolling your eyes and saying "oh gosh - here she goes again", have some sympathy. I am getting myself out there. I'm hooking up with men that I've "met" online - not just any guy who happens to throw me a line either. For every 30-40 who contact me, I might actually meet one in person. And they're all wrong .... nice guys for the most part, but wrong. It is so rare for me to get that gut-feeling of ooh-now this is somebody who interests me. Some people call it a spark, or chemistry - I see it more as an intuitive feeling that I could connect with this guy, or a flash judgement (in Blink terms). When I finally find that guy who gives me that feeling, it turns out all wrong. Too much work. Inconsistency. I end up having to analyze and decipher and geez, I'm just too old to be still playing these games.

Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Cause something ain't working.

What I love (Cottage version)

I love sleeping in.
I love the fresh air, and the wind off the lake.
I love the night sky - millions of stars.
I love being able to read for hours on end. And I love that I can finish entire novels in a day or two.
I love lounging by the lake and drinking a nice, cold beer.
I love the sound of happy kids being carefree and doing normal kid things that they wouldn't do at home (like play Monopoly together, or swing on the giant tree swing).
I love that I can go without makeup for 5 days straight.
I love that I live in my bathing suit during the day.
I love diving into a nice cool lake.
I love how dark and quiet it is at night.
I love barbequing almost every meal.
I love my morning coffee on the deck over-looking the lake ... for some reason coffee tastes better at the cottage.
I love not thinking about work for an entire week.

Holy Calabogie!

Right now I am sitting in my friend's luxury cottage in Calabogie Ontario. The plan for the next few days is to kick back, relax, read some books (just started "Blink"), suntan, swim, eat, drink, and sleep in. Good plan. I was just outside reading on the deck and listening to the loons, but the mosquitoes drove me inside. The boys have been happily occupied since we got here.

Have a great week everyone. Back in blogland soon!

Black and white

I tend to be a very black and white person. Not so easy for me to find shades of gray in things. Maybe that's why I can make decisions quite easily and have a dependable reputation at work. It's probably also why I tend to lose patience for people who are experiencing difficulty in their life, but constantly make excuses and don't do anything to get clarity or closure or to make things better.

I love to think about things and reflect - turn them over and over in my head. Analyze and, at times, over-analyze! Over the past couple of months, religion seems to be a central theme to my thoughts. And I realized that maybe I'm not so black and white after all. Good versus evil isn't so clear cut. Morality isn't the absence of bad - we all do little "bad" things in our life and we can still call ourselves good people. I've lied. I've broken the law (and haven't been caught). I've hurt people by my actions. I know what my weaknesses are, and I learn from the mistakes that I have made. In fact, I strive to learn something about myself and what drives my actions every day.

Why am I thinking about this so much? Believe it or not, the Harry Potter mania has brought this out to a certain extent. These books are about very big issues of good versus bad, loss, friendship, etc. I think that JK Rowling is brilliant for introducing these topics to children and not hiding the realities of life from them. Life is full of tragedy and loss and tough decisions, but it is also filled with strength and courage and friendship. I know that I'm going to cry reading this final book - I just know it.

On a final note, a big Happy Birthday to my little B. My super-boy is 11 today. And he still tells his mom that he loves her everyday. xo

What I love (this week's version)

I love living where I do because I can hop on my bike and in 2 minutes I'm riding in the country or through the forest. This morning I saw a deer when I was riding, and I got really muddy from the trails. I love that!
I love the peace and quiet that comes when my children are away. I need that sometimes. Fewer responsibilities.
I love it when my boys have a birthday (B's is on Monday), because it makes me realize that another year has gone by and I've done a great job raising them to be healthy and happy.
I love fresh cut flowers on my kitchen table.
I love a good laugh with my girlfriends. Especially if we're laughing at a raunchy story.
I love the sound of waves. I had lunch down at the harbour today and the waves were hitting the docks - it reminded me of my childhood summers at the cottage.
I love it when you're almost at the end of a really good book. The part where the entire story is coming together and starting to reveal the ending.
I love it when somebody cooks for me.
I love getting long emails from C. He always has something interesting and meaningful to say.
I love long talks with my friends. And I love that they feel that they can open up to me.
I love reading Sally's blog. And I love it when people comment on mine.
I love that the weekend is just beginning .....

Deliver us from Evil

I watched a very frightening documentary on the weekend about the widespread sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests. The documentary talked mainly about a case in California where a priest from Ireland sexually abused children as young as 9 months old (gross), the Bishops knew about it, and they simply moved the priest around the state to different parishes until he got into trouble again. They also made sure to block any police investigations. So the abuse continued for about 20 years. At the end of it, this man terrorized more than 100 kids - he was eventually brought to trial, but the night before he was to testify about how the church knew of his "problem", the Bishops swooped in and made him a cash offer to not disclose their role in the abuse. The priest served about 7 years in California jail, and then the Catholic church moved him back to Ireland where he walks around free.

Warped. There are more than 100,000 cases of sexual abuse by Catholic priests in the US alone! The Catholic church has paid out more than 1 billion dollars in settlements to sexual abuse victims. They estimate that approximately 10% of priests are pedophiles. It is a huge cover up ..... leading all the way up to the Pope. They know that this stuff is happening, but they cannot afford to let people know (I don't know - 1 billion sounds like a lot of cash for a "secret").

In order to be a good Catholic, just show to church, give them your money, and keep your mouth shut. I'm thinking that's not exactly what Jesus had in mind .....

Stories from the Trenches

The online dating world is a world unto itself. I had something funny happen to me last week which prompted me to think about some of the other humorous situations that have occurred during my online quest to find love. Here they are:

1. Last week, a particular dating site sent me my "matches of the week". It's usually the same old guys who are completely wrong for me - maybe a hottie thrown in there every now and then. But this week was different. One of my matches turned out to be a cross-dresser! I kid you not! Needless to say, I took this as a sign that I needed to delete my account immediately from this particular site.
2. I have been Lava-stalked on numerous occasions. Guys (read losers) who decide that they have fallen immediately in love with my picture and act like they know me because they read my profile. I've had guys who email me numerous times a day, just to tell me how their day was. I even had one guy who had to email me to say goodnight every night. Eventually it gets too creepy and I have to block them.
3. I met a guy for dinner last week - we had some good online conversation prior to this and his picture was cute. I was looking forward to this. As it turns out, he looked nothing like his picture, and he couldn't even pretend to look interested during our outing. I wanted to grab him by the collar and say "Look buddy - at least pretend to have a good time. Watch me - I'm doing it!" We parted ways amicably (and I at least got a free dinner out of it), and then he has the gall to email me the next day to say that he doesn't think we're a good match. I wanted to hit reply with the message "Duh".
4. I went out with a guy who thought so highly of himself it was a sight to behold. He had a degree in physiology and was disgusted when I couldn't answer some science-related questions. He then started yawning, YAWNING! whenever I was telling a story and he wasn't allowed to talk. What a maroon.
5. I seem to attract a lot of married men. It is unbelievable how many married men are on these websites cruising for a little bit of fun. Anyhow, when it finally comes out that they're married, what happens? I usually end up counseling them, they thank me profusely, and off they go to live their oh so sad and miserable life (sniff).
6. I have learnt to never say that you're "open-minded" on a web profile. This leads to many requests for threesomes due to my "open-minded"ness.
7. I also love the requests from young 20-somethings for an "experience" with an older woman. Flattering, but no. I call it "I've been Mrs. Robinsoned".

Many, many more stories to tell. And by the way Matt - this is not me complaining about men. This is me laughing. Even I can find humour in the horrors of my adventures in online dating.

Moaning Marta

I have been accused of complaining too much - specifically about commuting, men, and work. (Can you blame me, really? All 3 are daily irritations in my life.) As an adult who needs to express herself, and who has nobody in her household to talk to, I NEED to vent! On a regular basis! But I get the hint that I need to shut up. So I will. From now on everything will be puppies and daisies.

Happy Friday the 13th.

The Newlyweds

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, koochy koo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother-fucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got that, Asshole?"
And, they lived happily ever after.
(Thanks to my demented co-worker for passing this on)

He's just not that into you

I'm sure that many of you have read this book or at least heard of it. It was written by one of the (male) writers for Sex and the City, and it's meant to be a handbook of sorts for women. The author states that women make far too many excuses for a man's behaviour when the cruel reality of it is that "he's just not that into you".

Many women I know that have read the book find it enlightening - why can't men just be blunt and tell us? But the men I know who have read the book think that it's a piece of crap. Even they make excuses for their behaviour. I remember having a discussion with a guy about the book, and he went into all sorts of convoluted reasons behind his behaviour based on the situation and the timing and what the woman is giving back to him and the phases of the moon ... okay so I made the last one up but all in all what it came down to was a stupid fucking dance that is expected in any relationship.

I'm sorry - I like dancing but this is ridiculous. I'm too old to have to try and decipher words - spoken, email, or otherwise. Actions can be all messed up too. Take my recent experience with Flake. The guy has no idea which way is up. He has asked me out numerous times over the span of almost 7 months! Interested, then busy, then lots of emails, then date somebody else, then contact, then lots of emails, then busy, then another date, then busy ..... What I get from him is how much he enjoys our time together and that he wants to see me again. What I don't get from him is a reason why so much time passes in between our actual dates and/or emails and why our "courtship" (if you can call it that) has lasted so long! I have no patience. I'm getting frustrated. I do not want to make excuses nor do I want to jump to the wrong conclusion. Flake does not like to be held accountable (big surprise).

Here's what I think: single people my age have lost the faith. They're afraid to take chances and afraid to open themselves up to somebody. They have had so many experiences with not getting what they want that they stop asking. They are looking for all the bad points before they can even notice the good points. They are defeated.

But I'm not. Despite the fact that I am so completely frustrated more times than not, I'm not defeated. I know what I have to offer. But I get the feeling that I'm regarded as a freak when I tell it like it is, when I tell them that I'm interested, when I tell them that I'm not, when I tell them exactly how it is in my mind so that they don't have to try and figure it out! Because buddy - if you're really "just not that into me" then I need to know!!!!!

Sigh.

The pain of a woman

I read a story today about a 16-year old wife in Afghanistan who set herself on fire to try and escape the abuse that her husband and mother-in-law inflicted on her on a daily basis. She was married off when she was 14, and the abuse started on her wedding night. It didn't get better even after she gave birth to a boy. Apparently it is becoming more and more common for women to try to kill themselves this way in countries like Afghanistan or Pakistan. The clincher - when she gets out of the hospital in a couple of months she will be returning to her husband.

Can you imagine living that way. Having little choice in what happens to you. Being treated like a piece of garbage. Not being able to express yourself in any way. Saying no is not an option. This is what scares me about what is happening in the world today - the Muslim extremists are trying to infiltrate every country in this world to "take over" and impose their Islamic ideology on mankind. They hate the West because they blame all evils on giving women the right to do things. And to speak. And yet time and time again, history has shown that if you give women more power and equality then the world is a better place to live in.

From what I can see (in my narrow perspective perhaps) we are caught in a vicious cycle. Poverty breeds extremists who have nothing to lose and much hatred in their hearts. Women are treated like dirt whose one main use is to reproduce. They reproduce and overpopulate the world .... and too many people stretches our resources and causes poverty.

An end in sight? I doubt it. Mankind is it's own worst enemy.

"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt." William Shakespeare

Panic has set in. It's the work situation - I know it is. And it's spilling over into other aspects of my life. So I need to figure this out so that I have a plan, whether it's short-term or long-term. And I can't let my fear of change or making the wrong decision stop me. I have had so many things put in front of me over the past year where work is concerned that I just need to clear my head and sift through them to determine the message.

What I'm thinking is that a road trip is in order. Get in my car and drive away from here - away from my responsibilities and the things that are weighing me down. As my friend C says, I need to finally listen to the quiet sounds that might be inside me and stop suppressing or running away from them.

The return of cynicism

Bad, negative aura around me lately. I need to find a way to clear it all out. Here's what is bugging me:
- horrible news at work week after week; it's making me re-evaluate my job and it scares me to think that I may quit at any moment, even without having something new to go to
- the friend break-up is hanging over my head
- men are so very hard to figure out and there is a lack of quality out there (update on Flake: still a Flake ... probably always a Flake)
- kids are bugging me; can't deal with needy when other aspects of my life are in shambles
- was looking forward to a friend visiting in July, but that got canceled
- no time or energy to exercise as much as I would like

I don't even know where to start turning things around ...... help.

The Wedding Ring

Recent true story from Houston Medical Center in a local paper:

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring!

The Break-Up

I have to break up with a friend and I don't exactly know how to do it. I hate confrontation, and I have the gut-feeling that this person won't take it very well.

You see, I've found over the past year that we've probably just out-grown our friendship - a friendship that started in highschool! There have just been too many incidents in the past year that don't sit well with me, and I've been trying to have a discussion in person, but she is too busy partying and "hooking up" with random men. Here are my issues:

• I don't trust her. She knows me well, and knows some very private things about me. When I went to a gathering at her house and met somebody she works with, I got a "You're M? You don't look like I pictured after all the stories that I've heard. Pretty fucked-up stuff ...." or something along that line. What the hell is that?
• I don't trust her. Men are top priority right now. Random men. Men that have gone out on dates with so-called friends (hint: me). Any men. The more the merrier men.
• She's acting like we're still in highschool. Lots of alcohol-fuelled socializing. It's fine to party like that and make an ass of yourself when you're in your early 20's, but not when you're 40. Considering that alcohol has played a major role in some big happenings in her life, I am surprised with what she is doing to herself.
• I feel uncomfortable around the people that she has chosen to spend time with. Every time that I'm at one of her social events, I have to listen to people throwing sexual innuendos around - married, single - it doesn't matter. I wince at how cheap everybody sounds .... truly uncomfortable. And the number of times that I hear my friend "putting it out there" .... I am sad that this is how she thinks she needs to behave to get attention from a man. Am I judging? Maybe I am, but this is not how I want to talk to others or have others talk to me.

So that's it in a nutshell. There is another social event coming up in a couple of weeks, and I've been getting email reminders. No phone call - just email. Do I break up over email? I don't want this to upset her (although I'm thinking that it probably won't given that she has found so many new "friends" to partake in her libationous fun). I'm sure that I'll be told that I just need to "lighten up and have some fun" - well, that just says it all doesn't it. That my whole problem with all of this is that I just need to lighten up, get drunk on a regular basis, get laid, and party party my life away.

Happy Canada Day!

Canada kicks ass. It really does. What other country can boast that they have 1/5 of the world's fresh water supply, border on 3 oceans, have a population that is a decent size (especially considering the size of the country), and has such large areas of natural wilderness left. Here is my salute to things that are uniquely Canadian:

1. the loonie and toonie.
2. Beaver tails
3. best darn maple syrup
4. hockey and lacrosse
5. Screech
6. the Rockies
7. Bloody Caesars
8. national health care that is accessible to all
9. Niagara Falls
10. CN Tower
11. whales, polar bears, squirrels, beavers, raccoons, and grizzlies
12. the Prairies
13. Winnie the Pooh
14. The Guess Who, Tragically Hip, Jann Arden - artists who don't sell out (notice that Avril isn't on this list?)
15. penicillin
16. the telephone
17. David Suzuki
18. SCTV and Kids in the Hall (Canadians are funny!)
19. we make good beer (at least compared to American standards)
20. our peaceful diversity