Hail to the wise Manchild

I was having a good chat with Manchild just before dinner today, and I asked him if this was the year that he was going to have his first real girlfriend. That got a nice big eye roll, with the comment that "you don't plan for these things - they just happen". So I told him my plan - by the end of this year I will be in a committed relationship.

Well, Manchild had lots of opinions about that. He told me that I probably wouldn't like having to answer to somebody, and that living by myself is a good thing that I shouldn't change, and that he doesn't know too many people who are married and happy. The kid is 16 for God's sake. He even threw out the phrase "the grass is always greener". Jeez.

I had better watch myself with this kid. The dating Nazi (Manchild) meets the tourist Nazi (me) .....

Positively exhausted!

This positivity shite is tiring! I have moments, sometimes lasting entire days, that I have to consciously think about being positive and chase away negative thoughts. My behaviours and thought patterns have been ingrained from childhood, and while that's no excuse, I fight the battle everyday. Coming from a pessimistic father, and an unhappy mother - it ain't easy.

Last night - awake with full-blown panic attacks. Again. Thinking about September, and the fact that I have a lot of responsibility work-wise (teaching 4 days/week) and I have no idea what the week will entail for my kids. Or who will make sure that they get out of bed and to school on time. I have to teach 8am classes on some days - do you have any idea how early I need to get up on these days? 5am? 4:30am? Fuck.

And my dating world .... I've done a lot of thinking about this over the past week. And I've decided that my neuroses are sabotaging any chance that I have of forming a long-term attachment to somebody and I don't have a freaking clue as to what I'm doing. I need therapy (again).

I've decided that I need to keep busy so that my head doesn't have time to think. Distractions are my friends right now. Maybe not the healthiest plan for dealing with life, but it just might work for me. So here's the deal:

• start guitar lessons
• volunteer for something (a friend has just been declared the Green Party candidate for the upcoming provincial election - I can help with that)
• crank up the cycling again
• lots of home projects to do
• work my butt off with my courses
• back to a regular routine at the gym - spinning, weights, and throw in some yoga
• finish applications for grad school

Onwards and forwards.

What I Love .... this week's version

I love watching the sunset from a boat in the harbour - it's so peaceful.
I love the anticipation of good friends and family coming for a visit.
I love the feeling I get when I push my body to its physical limit while doing a sport - it always amazes me just how strong and determined I can be!
I love feeding my soul with some culture. Last night I saw Mahler's Symphony of a Thousand - full orchestra, solo opera singers, and a full choir of about 70. Goosebumps.
I love having those "Aha!" moments following difficult situations. I need a good attitude shift every now and then.
I love meeting new people and finding that you can sit and talk to them for hours - like you've known them for a while.
I love the building excitement of a new school term. And I love that every course that I'm teaching this year is new to me.
I love tucking my little B into bed at night. Best hugs ever.

Happy weekend everyone!

Five tips for a woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Don't judge a book by its cover

I've been told that I'm hard to read. By a man. A man that I have been rather upfront and blunt with. At first I thought - no way, not me. I'm an open book. I asked some of my friends, specifically male friends, if they agreed. They didn't find that I was particularly hard to read - in fact, they said that I'm open with my thoughts, ideas, and feelings. But, M. did suggest that in a romantic context I may be different. Phooey.

So me and my stupid brain have been ruminating and reflecting on my diagnosis of "difficult to read" over the past few days. (You see how little things BUG me and I obsess about them?) And I think that there may be some truth to that statement. I have built the walls up around me so high that it takes a huge effort to break them down. And I have to trust the person trying to get around them. I hate to admit it, but when I start developing feelings for a man, all my neuroses start to surface. And I think about the guy leaving before they've even arrived. And I panic when I hear things that aren't perfect. And that's not realistic, because things will never be perfect.

This is why I need a guy who knows what he wants, isn't afraid to show his feelings, who will take the lead, and who will be extremely patient with me. And somebody who will knock themselves out as they show me that I can trust them and rely on them. Once again - not too much to ask for, is it?

If .....

My friend C introduced me to a new book that I've already ordered - it's called "If - Questions for the Game of Life". It's essentially a book filled with thought-provoking questions from the practical to the moral to the hilarious. I joked with C that I'm going to bring this book on all my dates, but it might not be such a bad idea. At any rate, it sounds like an amazing book to have at a dinner party or a small gathering, and I'll never be lost for small talk again. Here's a sampling:

What is the biggest lie you've ever told? That I wanted to get married.

What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world? Give women equal rights in all countries, religions, races, etc. And then have more women in politics around the world. This would put an end to so much suffering and wars.

Who have you most feared in your life? Myself. And not reaching my potential.

What is the strongest craving you get? Physical touch. (Don't laugh - when you go without for months or even years it can make you feel a bit crazy.)

What have you lost that you would most like to retrieve? Time.

Row, row, row your boat ...

I started a rowing course this past Monday - every evening (M-F), 3 hours a night, for 2 weeks. And I am sore! The first night we spent our time on land - it was too windy and we had to go over all of the important (and boring) safety things, terminology, technique, etc. They have this really neat indoor "tank" that you can practice on. The seats are at the edge of a big pool, and the oars are actually in the water so you can practice the feel of your stroke before you get in the boat.

Last night we took the boat out - an 8-seater with the coxswain in the stern. Funny thing - I thought that this course would be a great way to meet people (ie. men) and our class of 8 is all WOMEN! Oh well .... Anyhow, it was a bit windy yesterday but we went out anyway. I could not believe how long the boat was! And skinny - I was worried that my big ass wouldn't actually fit inside (and my ass isn't the biggest in the class by a long shot). There is a lot of prep work that needs to be done before you even get into the boat - you have to prepare the coach boat (the boat that rides alongside us with the coach yelling commands through his megaphone). And then you have to carry the gi-normous 8-sweep boat down to the water, place it ever so gently in the water, lock your oars in, get people seated, strap your feet in ..... lots of work. Lifting, back twisting, crouching - all difficult when you're older and not so flexible. Throw in my rebuilt hip and it was a challenge.

But out on the water was awesome! We were quite unsteady at times - skinny boats aren't the most stable. And we never had all 8 of us rowing at the same time. We practiced rowing in 2's and 4's for about 2 hours. I was in the stroke position - the last person closest to the stern who sets the pace for everybody else, and the one who sits right in front of the coxswain. I think that I did pretty good - I was mainly responsible for steering us back to the dock (with a lot of help and direction from the coxswain) and we didn't crash, so I did OK. So much fun! The wind was crazy at times, but being out on the water as the sun was going down was so magnificent.

Flak for Flake

I've been getting a lot of flak from concerned friends over dating Flake. Let me back up a bit - there's a good story. Last week Flake and I had a very nice evening that eventually led into morning (if you know what I mean ...). We obviously dig each other, and there was no awkwardness in the morning. Just nice, comfortable times spent with Flake. Keeping this in mind, the one downfall to Flake is the fact that we seem to go about 2 weeks between dates - he is a busy guy and there is a bit of resistance from him. We are both going out on dates with other people .... probably for very different reasons though.

Anyhow, that evening I was out with my friend J for a drink and as we're sitting down the guy at the next table leans over to say "hi" to me. It's Flake .... with another woman. I was so flustered - not what I expected to see, especially considering the wonderful time that we had the previous night. J was furious - I, on the other hand, don't want to jump to conclusions. I go out with my male friend M all the time. And I had dates with 2 different people that very same week. Flake and his "friend" left before we had even finished a beer, and he looked very sheepish as he waved and said goodbye.

Awkward, non? The proper thing to do would be for Flake to call me the next day, but I recognize that men are cowards (verified by all the men I polled - not one of them said that they would call the next day out of fear of a big freak-out). So I made the first move, and to make a long story short yes, he was out on a date. So we've since had a big discussion about how to proceed from here. He feels good about the conversation, and I feel .... well .... okay. I won't bore you with the details.

So now some of my friends aren't happy - consensus seems to be that (a) he's not into me, and (b) he isn't long-term material. Some of my other friends think otherwise. I know that ultimately I have to do what is right for me, and to go with what my gut tells me. The one thing that Flake and I seem to do really well is communicate, and we pretty much lay it all out (at least I do). I don't want to waste my time with a guy that's not into me. My discussions with my well-intentioned friends are creating doubts - and I hate doubting myself.

More Guilty Pleasures

I spend too much money on:
1. clothes and shoes
2. yummy smelly bath products
3. coffee
4. sexy underwear

If I didn't have children I would:
1. work in a new country every year
2. spend every penny I had on traveling
3. be a singer in a rock band
4. never know how strong I can be

Things that I have to do every morning:
1. brush my teeth
2. inspect the dark circles under my eyes
3. drink coffee
4. sing out loud in my car

What I love about men:
1. the way they wrap themselves around you in bed
2. their clumsy attempts at sensitivity
3. the way they smell (most of the time ...)
4. the pride they take in their bodily functions

I would be mortified if anyone saw me:
1. waxing my upper lip
2. breaking out in song or dance (a regular occurrence)
3. daydreaming, and counted the number of hours in a day that I lose focus
4. when I'm having one of my sexy dreams!

Weak in the Knees

I have been itching to learn how to play acoustic guitar for the past few months. My friend J is supposed to get me a guitar, and I have a great referral for a teacher - a guy who used to be in the band "The Killjoys". And yet I wait. I even sat down at the piano yesterday for about an hour and plunked out some Beethoven, Beatles, and Jewel. And I sang - rather badly I'm sure, but nobody could hear me so who cares? I'm sure that once I can strum on my guitar, my voice will miraculously take on perfect pitch and tone. At least that's what I'm picturing in my head.

I discovered a great new singer - Serena Ryder. Check out her song "Weak in the Knees" if you get a chance. That girl has got angst down pat. I'm wishing that I had kept up with my creative side over the years. I used to love acting in local plays, and I was even in a few musicals (Grease and West Side Story) when I was in highschool. I used to love doing that stuff - and dancing too. Maybe I should try some ballroom dancing?

A big Happy Birthday this week to my special peeps: Karen, Sally-gal, Jane, and Jeffy. Luv ya! xoxo

Old Friends

There is nothing better than getting together with old friends - people who have known you for years and years. My friend Matt was in town from New Zealand this weekend, and we spent Saturday evening drinking, laughing, and playing poker until about 4am. (Okay, and maybe we indulged in a little illicit fun as well - for anyone who knows Matt, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) Yes, I played poker with the boys. And I won. It was especially gratifying because there was a rude little man (I'm not kidding about the little either - he was about 5 foot 2, 100 pounds, and lacking in social skills) who seemed quite irked that he had to play cards with a woman who didn't know the game. Everybody else was patient with me, but not little man. So sorry that I had to take your money little one.

Anyhow, back to Matt. And John and Todd. I've known these guys since university, and when we get together it's like no time has passed. We instantly fall into our old wacky ways - lots of razzing and raunchy one-liners. I miss having good male friends like this around. And they always make me feel like a million bucks - very attentive and complimentary. There is such a comfort in being around guys who aren't judging me, or trying to pick me up, or looking at me to try and determine whether I'm marriage material. Nope - just good old boys all around.

I so needed this evening. It inspired me. By sitting down and talking to the boys I realized that I've spent the summer holding back. Again. There are all sorts of things that I say that I want to do, but I'm really good at coming up with excuses as to why I can't do them. John, for example, has started dancing lessons this year and he has already been to a competition. He says that it has been an incredible (and social) experience. I can do that! He also attends many workshops and seminars - you know the ones that teach you about how to reach your fullest potential, or that give you insight into yourself. I've done one in the past and loved it - why aren't I doing more? Anyhow, the first thing that I did when I got home was sign up for a Learn to Row program that I've been wanting to do all summer. I haven't been able to find a friend to do it with (my excuse), but so what? The point is to have fun and meet new people and it's probably easier to do that when I don't have the comfort of a friend around.

2 Odds do not make a Normal

Great title, huh? Big thanks to my friend C.G. for coming up with that one. We were talking about the trials and tribulations of dating a man called Flake, of whom I have had a semi-involvement with recently (see previous posts). Flake is an enigma, and has a tendancy towards the odd. Which I love - different is so interesting, non? Anyhow, I must point out the fact that I think that I can be quite different as well - odd, mysterious, bizarre .... these are some of the words that people have used to describe me. I've been told that these words are meant to be taken in a good way, as opposed to a Crispin Glover freaky-weird kind of way. What is normal anyway?

So get this - I have a book called "The Secret Language of Birthdays" that essentially spells out an individual's personality based on their date of birth. I looked up Flake's description this morning and nearly choked on my coffee! It actually said that people born on his birthday have a flake factor - they are constantly changing directions and are attracted to exciting and unstable situations. In fact, this particular birthdate is called The Day of Exciting Instability. Overall strengths: daring, exciting, magnetic. All true from what I've seen so far. Weaknesses: unstable, flighty, sexually obsessive. Great.

Devastated

I'm heart-broken. I just read that Steve Martin got married. I. Love. Him. Despite the older man thing, which I usually find creepy.

So my kids are away this week, and I have managed to do next to nothing so far. Not what I had envisioned, and I'm feeling rather bummed about it. The big plans that I have for my life are so far all in my head. If the long weekend turns out to be one big poopyfest then I might have to do a big junk food purge to soothe my disappointment.

Reading the last Harry Potter. I have to admit - I'm underwhelmed so far .... I hope that it gets better.