Au revoir!

Off to Paris this evening! Can't wait ..... for the cheap red wine, and the pastries, and Versailles, and the Eiffel Tower, and the shopping, and the chocolate, and the adventures! Last year when I was there, I found that the Parisienne men love (a) "more mature" women, and (b) Canadian women. Win, win for me! I am trying to ignore the fact that the weather forecast is calling for rain, rain, and more rain while I'm there - that's bound to change, right?

Hope to have lots of stories to pass along when I get back. Stay tuned .....

Blogger therapy

I just need to vent about Manchild's other "family". Manchild's father married a woman (who grew up on the same street as me - freaky small world) who is from a Baptist bible-thumping family - in fact, her father was a Baptist minister. Anyhow, Manchild came home from dinner last night and I saw a bible-thumping bogus comic book that he received from his "Aunt Mary". I said to him, "You've got to be kidding me" and he freaked.

I was accused of having no faith. I was accused of being mean. I was accused of being the devil pretty much. A very unusual reaction from Manchild. So I explained my position - I have faith, but I don't need to go to a church to celebrate it, and I certainly don't throw it in peoples' faces and tell them that they have to be just like me or they are sinners. And I explained my problem with religious fanatics - my experience has been that they are intolerant and judgmental, and express their distaste for all things "different" in very un-Christian ways. And I asked Manchild to take this wonderful piece of propaganda to his father's.

I was truly surprised at Manchild's outburst. And I'm pissed off. This is a "family" who has never bothered to get to know me - I get a forced "hello" if I'm lucky. I stood beside Manchild's other "grandfather" in the supermarket a couple of weeks ago, said hi, and he didn't even recognize me! I had to tell him who I was ..... um ..... Manchild's mother? You know, the fucking flesh and blood of that wonderful boy that you love so much? The one who has to put up with the bullshit that your daughter and her husband have doled out over the years? YES, THAT EVIL BITCH.

How do I get Manchild to understand? Tell him that his father refused to pay me a penny of child support for about ten years until I took him to court which turned into a 2-year battle to get money? Tell Manchild about the time that his father took him for his usual weekend, moved, and didn't tell me because it wasn't important that I know where he lived? And that the Bible-thumper family refused to tell me where he was? Tell him that his father and step"mom" told me that Manchild would have been better off being raised by them because, and I quote, they are "better role models" and "model the perfect marriage"? (Are you gagging yet?) Tell him that this perfect role model couple has consistently broken our court-ordered agreement over the years? Don't get me wrong - I do not have a problem with these people being in my child's life. The more people that love my children, the better. The bible-thumping present reminded me of what hypocrites these people are and that brought up painful past memories.

I guess that I just have to have faith (yes, there's that word) that I have raised my Manchild to be a responsible, empathetic person that will treat everybody with respect regardless of whether they have caused him hurt. That I have instilled in him some important values. And he will know the sacrifices I have made, and the battles that I have fought all in the name of doing the right thing.

Happy Victoria Day!

Don't you love long weekends? Who cares if I'm up early doing laundry - I'm not going to work! We did the fireworks thing last night, and it was fabulous! There's talk of getting rid of Victoria Day - why celebrate a dead queen's birthday when we're an independent monarchy?

Okay, I have to admit that the role that the Queen plays in Canadian politics is a bit fuzzy for me. So I just looked it up - interesting. I now actually know what the Governor General is for (didn't realize it was such an important, high profile job). And I didn't realize that when the Queen is visiting Canada, like she recently did, that we refer to her as the Queen of Canada. Sad that my Canadian history knowledge is so limited.

The royal family and the history of all the royal families in Europe fascinate me. If you get a chance, watch the movie "The Queen" - it's out on video. Helen Mirren did an unbelievable job - truly Oscar-worthy. But there are also a lot of clips going back to Princess Diana's death and the outpouring of grief that it caused. I had forgotten what a big deal this was. It was one of those events that I can remember exactly where I was when I heard that she had been killed, and that was almost 10 years ago. I think that I'll visit the memorial site at Pont de l'Alma in Paris when I'm there (only 4 days to go!!!!!)

Exhausted!

A new level of pooped was reached today. I cycled over 60km this morning. I am so freaking tired right now - I can't remember the last time that I felt this physically wiped. But I did it. And only 1 hill got the best of me (ie. I had to walk it) but I did all the other hills. For those of you who don't know this area it's quite an accomplishment. Dundas is in the valley and I had to climb the escarpment to get to the roads that we wanted to do. The hill that I crapped out on was about 1/2 hour from the end of my ride and my legs were burning!

A big happy birthday to manchild! And a message from B: hi this is b - i am soooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Manchild turns 16

Yes, a momentous occasion in our household this weekend - manchild is turning 16. We are trying to organize our family celebration around manchild's social life as there are many parties occurring over the long weekend doncha know. Manchild was at a party last night. The parents were away, there was drinking (he told me so), but all was under control. Because the party was so close to our house, I told manchild that if there were any problems that he could come and get me and I would "kick some ass" ..... nothing worse than a pissed off mama I tell you.

Manchild talks constantly about getting his driver's licence. I don't know what car he thinks that he's going to be driving because it certainly isn't mine. I have a "child" old enough to drive - egads. I bought manchild a bike for his birthday and as far as I'm concerned, this can be his mode of transportation for the next few years until he can (a) afford a car, and (b) afford the insurance for the car. The bike wasn't cheap either - I spent $500 on a mountain bike with super deluxe shocks and an overall coolness rating of "whoa dude".

Rest in Peace Maddie

I wrote an entry about a month ago about an inspiring girl named Maddie. I found out today that Maddie died on Tuesday at the age of 15, after fighting an aggressive form of bone cancer for 3 years. I seem to keep reading sad things while I'm on the train to/from work .... things that bring tears to my eyes, and I feel like a big dummy trying not to cry with all the angry and frustrated commuters around me. Anyhow, Maddie's mom is hoping that her daughter's legacy will continue - please check out www.maddieswishproject.com to read more about this amazingly selfless girl and to see what she has done to help others.

This is the part of my job as a radiation therapist that I could never manage to understand - and it made me sad and angry. Dealing with kids who have cancer. It's just not supposed to happen. I can understand why many adults get cancer - your cells are bound to mutate after a million divisions or so, or we have a direct hand in harming our bodies through smoking, drinking, etc. But not kids - other than certain rare genetic conditions, there is no explanation for why a child gets cancer. The pediatric patients that I dealt with over the years were always so wonderful as well - probably because they didn't really "get" what the big deal was about. Hurry up and treat me so I can play - that was their mentality. I can still remember some of the names of the kids that I treated ..... one in particular named Jesse brought me a Christmas present during his treatments (a box of chocolates - smart kid). He wanted to know what my husband was going to buy me for Christmas, and when I told him that I didn't have a husband he said "Why don't you have a husband? You're soooooooo nice!" (he was 6 - a charmer already).

I can take that life is unfair, but let's leave the kids out of it. Let them have the happy childhood that they all deserve.

Tagged by Red ..... again

Okay Red, you picked a hard one this time:

If you had one wish, what would it be?

So the first things that pop into my head are all very superficial, like long, thick hair, zero cellulite, no more acne, enough money to live comfortably without working, etc. but something tells me I need to dig deeper for the answer.

World peace? No, too cheesy. To fall in love? Please.

Okay, how about this - to be one of those people who live each day to the fullest. I like to think that I do, but I don't even try half the things that I want to. I've gotten better over time, but I'm still trapped by all of my fears and insecurities. I was thinking the other day about how I go through life thinking that I'm not pretty enough - and then I look at pictures that were taken 5 years ago, or 10 and I think - "wow - you looked great!". Why didn't I think that then? When I'm 50 I'll look at pictures of me when I'm 40 (ie. now) and probably think that I looked pretty darn good. In the moment I don't feel it. And the baggage that I have carried over the decades is incredible - no wonder all of my relationships failed. So I want to be fearless - backpack through South America by myself, take a job in another country, stop avoiding confrontations, go back to school, go hang-gliding in the Alps, tell that guy how I feel about him, try new things on a whim ..... enjoy every single moment and make plans when I feel like it. Perhaps this is hedonistic, but I'm ready for it.

9 Days to go ......

Paris, here we come! May 25th cannot come fast enough. Yesterday I booked some day trips to the Loire Valley to see the incredible chateaus, and to Mont St Michel (the fortress in the picture). This trip has turned out to be a big money trap, but I don't care! It's so worth it, and I might not be back to France for many years to come. The next European adventure that I'll try to do is a few weeks in Italy .... I always pictured going there for my honeymoon or with a man, but I've decided that I just need to stop waiting ('cause either of those conditions might not happen) and DO IT.

This time around, we have rented an apartment in Paris - close to the Eiffel Tower. I never did see the tower at night with all the lights when I was there last year (too chicken to venture out in the dark by myself), so I'm looking forward to that this year. And I'm going to try and make it to Versailles as well - I heard that it's spectacular. Lots of cafes, red wine (cheaper than pop, I kid you not), baguettes, and pastries. I will try to keep evil-travel-stomach at bay this year so that I can indulge.

Incompetence
Incompetence irritates me. I called the bank this morning to make sure that they had enough Euros to sell to me. The woman on the phone, Jodie, tells me that they have the amount that I want and all I have to do is come in anytime and approach any teller who will help me. WRONG.

So I went to the bank, and when I asked the teller for the Euros she tells me that she only has about 50 (I need 1000 - remember that Jodie verified that they have this amount). She then goes looking for the "head teller" who can get some more, but the "head teller" is on her lunch break and I'll have to wait about 45 minutes. And I should have called ahead of time. I smiled politely and explained that I talked to somebody this morning who said that it wouldn't be a problem. Oh. She then checked to see if I had reserved the money ..... no, I wasn't told that I had to do that. When she asked who I talked to, I gave her Jodie's name. And wouldn't Ms Jodie be standing right behind me. SHE THEN PROCEEDED TO TALK ABOUT ME IN THE 3RD PERSON and said "Yes I talked to somebody but she didn't say when she would be coming in today." Huh?!?!?

At this point I was ready to fucking freak - I mean full out ape-shit crazy freak on Jodie. But I just smiled, picked up my keys, and without saying another word to these 2 fine specimens of customer service, I silently walked out the bank door, across the street to another bank where they were more than happy to sell me 1000 Euros. Nice going Jodie. Guess you won't be receiving the Customer Rep award of the month.

Spoiled
My boys outdid themselves yesterday. After a 50km bike ride in the morning, I returned home to find that my entire house had been cleaned. My grinning boys then proceeded to show me the flowers that they had purchased for me and the homemade cards, all the while telling me that they actually scrubbed a floor (egads!) and cleaned not just one, but 3 toilets! I was then treated to a lunch of hot dogs and salad (so not exactly gourmet, but B makes a mean salad). Lots of "I love you"s and "you're the best mom!" .... doesn't get much better than that.

My friend N sent me my horoscope:
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

I am pretty weird .....

A Mother's Day Story
Taken from The Ellen Show:
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him. And nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick.. LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honour me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right - their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth. And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers out there!

Prime Minister Harper thinks you're an idiot and other stories
Yes, it's true - our wonderful Conservative government thinks that Canadians are morons. That we can't see through their "ground-breaking" environmental plan with its empty words and bogus regulations. That we don't realize that it doesn't hold big industry accountable for the damage that they do because the rich industry bastards need to keep getting richer so that they can support the government that is striving to be like our neighbours to the south. And I love what bullies this government is turning into - anybody who criticizes the federal government finds themself in big trouble. Take the employee of Environment Canada who was seized by the Mounties at work this week and marched out of his office in handcuffs. He is being accused of "leaking" information about the Tories "green" plan ..... bad news for the government because it is blatantly obvious that they intend to abandon its Kyoto Protocol commitments. Funny how nobody has been publicly humiliated or arrested for the numerous pro-government leaks that helped the Conservative cause ......

More craziness .... A hospital in Japan has opened an anonymous "drop box" for unwanted infants. The idea behind the box is to discourage abortions (yes, it's a Catholic-run hospital) and abandonment of infants in unsafe public places. When a baby is left in the incubator an alarm goes off which notifies hospital staff. Aparently similar boxes already exist in Germany and South Africa.

Crazy shit #3 .... Investigators believe that the 3-year old British girl that was stolen from her hotel room in Portugal was taken as part of a pedophile ring. Fuck. I can't even imagine what her parents are going through.

Final crazy news .... Two 10-year old boys in Florida thought that it would be fun to beat and stone a homeless army veteran with a concrete block. The 2 boys and a 17-year old friend (what teenager hangs out with 10 year old boys?) ganged up on the poor man as he was walking through their neighbourhood. He was so severly injured that he had to undergo reconstructive surgery. The parents of these boys must be so proud.

2 Weeks to Paris
And I'm in a slight panic. I have been chronically unwell for the past few weeks which is exhausting. My doctor put me on androgen blockers (don't ask) so my hormones are all messed up. Work has been stressful - they are laying off people to the point where every week there is a new email with the latest announcement of who they have cut. Last week it was one of my bosses. I'm trying to get through one day at a time.

But on the bright side - the weather has been amazing, I've managed to get out on my bike 4 days/week, my kids are healthy/happy, and I'm going for a massage today.

C'est la vie.

In honour of a wonderful man
I'm writing this entry today with thoughts for my good friend C who is sitting somewhere on a beach in Honduras, probably sipping a cold beer and hopefully smoking a nice fat one. C is trying to figure out his direction in life and who he really is. For so many years, he put his heart and soul into a company and ecological venture that he believed in, and a few months ago he was forced to shut everything down, declare bankruptcy, move, and end relationships that he had established over the years.

C - it is no surprise to me that people cried when you told them that you had to shut down. It's not often, if ever, that you come across a man who sacrifices everything for what he believes in. Few people have the passion that you do. You have no idea how many lives you have touched with your unselfish acts, inquisitive nature, devilish sense of fun, and charm. You are a terrific person to talk to, and one of only a very few in my life that dares to ask hard questions and look deep within himself to find the answers. I totally get what you're going through - you have no idea how much I get it! You're so brave too - call it a mid-life crisis if you want to, but I can only imagine what this world would be like if we all took the time to get to know ourself and our place on this planet. I call that responsible.

I am so glad that you caught my eye over 20 years ago, and that I've had the opportunity to get to know so many different facets of you. You make me realize that there are some really great men out there (and I think you know how much I need to realize that). Take your time to think and re-energize your body and spirit. Just remember to come back and live in this world and not just in your head! And if you're lonely and need a friend or familiar face, then just say the word and I am on a plane to Central America to stir up some trouble with a much-loved friend.

I've been Tagged by Red!
Rules:
1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Eight Weird/Random (and somewhat personal) Facts About Me:

1. I constantly play with my hair - constantly. And then I wonder why it's thinned out over the years.
2. My dream house has a wrap-around porch.
3. I always pictured having the kids without the men sticking around (and made this prophecy come true).
4. I am painfully shy. It's often mistaken for being a bitch or a snob.
5. I have a wicked crush on a male friend, but would never tell him so.
6. I have suffered from panic attacks and depression since I was a teenager. I hide it well, but it has almost ruined my life a few times.
7. About 5 years ago I walked by a distraught homeless teenager who was crying because she was so hungry. I didn't stop to help and I'm still haunted by that.
8. Clutter makes me anxious. I can't have "stuff" lying around in my house because it's sensory overload for me.

Who to tag?

1. Tara
2. Karen
3. Caitlin (when she returns from Europe)
4. Nathalie
5. Deb (yes you Vancouver!)
6. Cam (are you still there?)
7. Nancy
8. anybody else who actually reads this.

Solitaire
No, I'm not referring to the card game. I'm describing myself. Another weekend spent by myself for the most part. By choice. Now that I've actually tolerated somebody more than 2 dates (yes, it's true), and there are other men who want to take me out .... I don't feel like it. I'm trying to figure out whether I'm just freaked out by the prospect of somebody actually liking me and wanting to pursue a relationship .... I don't know. What's the point, really? You meet somebody, you like them, you share good times, you sleep with them, you start getting each others' history, little things start bugging you, you have to meet the family and friends, you worry about where this is going, the disagreements start ..... blah.

I'm really digging being me and doing all the me things that I want. I think that some companionship would be nice every now and then, and don't even talk about the lack of sex that I'm experiencing right now. But I want things on my terms. And that's not realistic. I wish that I could buy a vending machine that dispenses men. I could keep it in my garage and when I felt like a little something then all I'd have to do is make my selection and press a button.

THE 5 STAGES OF A WOMAN'S LIFE

1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In AND
5. To Hell with it

I think that I've hit the 5th stage already .....

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
I received an email from an old acquaintance with the news that his wife is expecting their 2nd child in the summer. And the first word that came to my mind was .... pathetic.

Let me back up a bit. This is a guy who checked out of his marriage before it even began. He was given the ultimatum - we get married, or we break up. He says that he picked the easier of the 2 and got married. Without getting into any details, I just feel sorry for both of them. Adding kids to their life has finally given them something to talk about and a reason for him to stay in the marriage. (Y'all know my thoughts on "staying together for the sake of the kids" mentality.)

So I just didn't respond to the email. I talked to my friend J yesterday about it, and she had a similar story involving a guy in her office. He got married, didn't really want to, has had affairs (that wifey knows about), and having kids is their way of hanging on and not really dealing with the big issues that are in front of them. J could actually understand somewhat what these poor pathetic men are going through - she realizes (now) that she got pregnant with her 2nd child, and 1st for that matter, when her marriage wasn't really a happy, stable one. And as of this week - she has moved out (kids are now 10 and 6). According to J - it's easy to convince yourself that life is okay when it appears that way on the surface.

Not me. I can't do that. I don't give a shit what things LOOK like. And I don't care if people don't understand some of the decisions that I've made .... crawl into my skin and see things for what they really are and then tell me what you'd do in those situations. I could never pretend that infidelity wasn't happening (and trust me, it has happened far too often in my relationships) and I would struggle if I knew that the guy I was with didn't really want to be with me. Buh-bye.

Guilty pleasures

80's tunes on my iPod:

• Open Arms by Journey
• Mad World by Tears for Fears
• Ball of Confusion by Love and Rockets
• Ceremony by new Order

Bad habits:

• playing with my hair
• eating in front of the TV
• screening my phone calls

"Quality" television:

• ANTM - doesn't get much better than that!
• How I met your mother (the dude who played Doogie Howser is hilarious!)
• Survivor - yup, still watching. I've seen every single season. And I hate the host.
• Gray's Anatomy - sucks big time, but I am compelled to watch it each week

Food:

• anything chocolate
• potato chips
• dry roasted peanuts
• french fries
• garlic bread
• Pillsbury crescent rolls (hmmm .... notice that this list is the longest? And I could keep going!)

Trashy reads:

• People magazine - come on, we all love to hear about hard times falling on the beautiful people and what crazy mother-f*&^ers they can be
• Shopaholic book series - not exactly quality fiction, but good fluff that's hard to put down
• He's just not that into you - what woman hasn't picked up this book and had an "aha" moment
• Oprah magazine - maybe not classified as trashy, but all the self-love you're so wonderful crap can make you want to puke