Colours
Pinched and edited from Sal's blog - the colours of me:

Red.

1. Closest red thing to you? my ugly neck scar
2. Last thing to make you angry? the army of gas-guzzling SUVs parked outside the coffee shop this morning
3. Do you have a temper? mostly suppressed, but oh dear yes!
4. Are you a fan of romance? yes, but not the delusional prince charming you complete me kind of bullshit that women think will change their life
5. Do you have anything against redheaded people? why would I?

Orange.

1. Closest orange thing to you? not a widespread colour in my house ....
2. Do you like to burn things? yes - fire is mesmerizing
3. Dress up for Halloween? please - no. adults who dress up for Halloween kind of scare me
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? very warm to those close to me - can be reserved with everybody else
5. Are you usually full of energy? anything is possible after caffeine

Yellow.

1. Closest yellow thing to you? my knickers
2. The happiest time[s] of your life? most of highschool, university, vacationing with the boys, Europe, when I'm not working
3. Favorite holiday? probably Christmas
4. Are you a coward? Naw - while I have moments of fear holding me back, I'm not afraid of making difficult decisions and living my life to the fullest
5. Do you burn or tan? burn, freckle, tan, wrinkle (in that order)

Green.

1. Closest green thing to you? the carpet
2. Do you care about the enviroment? yes - everybody should!
3. Are you a lucky person? not really, but life is all about choices and I've made some bad ones (read with tiny violin playing in the background)
4. Do you like being outdoors? LOVE the outdoors - one of the reasons why I moved back to my hometown
5. Are you Irish? no, but I like beer

Blue.

1. Closest blue thing to you? my eyes
2. Are you good at calming people down? so I've been told
3. Do you like the sea? slightly terrified of it, but I'm drawn to the water (must be the Pisces in me)
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? when I choked on a taco (don't laugh!)
5. Are you a logical thinker? usually - need to always understand the "why" to things

Purple.

1. Closest purple thing to you? the bruising on my neck
2. Like being treated to expensive things? food - yes; pampering (massages, facials, etc) - yes; holidays - yes; other than that, there's nothing better than a good deal!
3. Do you like mysterious things? ooooh, yes - and I've been told that I'm very mysterious myself ...
4. Ever met anyone in royalty? well, no - but I was at Windsor Castle when the queen was there and saw the guards with their machine guns
5. Are you creative? not a creative gene in my DNA, but I like to pretend otherwise

Pink.

1. Closest pink thing to you? flowers
2. Do you like sweet things? I could exist entirely on caramel
3. Like play-fighting? not so much (and why is this pink?)
4. Are you sensitive? WAY too much - one of my downfalls
5. Do you like music? there is always a song in my head (and in my heart - gag)

White.

1. Closest white thing to you? the mountains of snow outside
2. Would you say you’re innocent? naive, but never innocent
3. Are you good at keeping the peace? I avoid conflict, but I've been known to stir up some trouble every now and then
4. How do you imagine your wedding? I don't
5. Do you like to play in the snow? yup

Black.

1. Closest black thing to you? my sweater
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? what? no way!
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? classy and crazy
4. Would you like to go to space? oooh - ya! beam me up scottie!
5. Do you have a lot of secrets? LOTS of secrets .... and skeletons in my closet

Good reads
Now that I'm off work for a bit, I'm devouring any book that I can get my hands on. I just finished a great book called "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. Highly recommend it. Hey - let's start our own Bloggers book club in true Oprah fashion. Here's a couple of my picks:

1. Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures by Vincent Lam
2. Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs
3. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger (good fluff - commercial, but good)
4. Shopgirl by Steve Martin

Suggestions????

Oscar

For the first time in I don't know how long, I stayed up and watched the Oscars in its entirety. I thought that Ellen D did a great job at hosting - I totally get her sense of humour. Although I could see that the people there (and probably watching) either loved her or hated her. The joke that she did about "America voted" with both Jennifer Hudson/ Americal Idol and Al Gore was priceless! At any rate, here are my thoughts from last night:

1. Martie won! Yay!
2. Maggie Gyllenhaal is stunning.
3. Nicole Kidman is a plastic barbie doll with no personality. Anybody see her giggle through Oprah's Oscar special? I was embarrassed for her big time.
4. Anybody else think that Tom Cruise has botoxed the shit out of his face?
5. Helen Mirren looked hot!
6. I know that everybody raved about Cate Blanchett's gown, but I thought that she looked strangely metallic, like she raided the Terminator wardrobe.
7. One word for Kirsten Dunst - frumpy. But when you've got dimples and are in your 20's then frumpy can still be cute.
8. Beyonce looked PISSED when Jennifer Hudson didn't thank her personally by name during her speech (she thanked the wonderful cast and crew instead).
9. And Eddie Murphy looked really really surprised when they didn't call his name for Best Supporting Actor ..... do you think that Norbit had anything to do with that?
10. I love Borat. Handsome devil.
11. I would like to have babies with George Clooney. Yum.
12. Marc Anthony has some weird facial tics. Him and J Lo are b-o-r-i-n-g (yawn).
13. The Oscars were "green" this year ..... my ass. What was green about it? The limos idling for hours outside? The only thing green about the Oscars was Celine Dion's gown.
14. Ryan G brought his mom and sister to the awards .... awwwwwww.
15. Jack Black rocks.
16. Cameron Diaz is just plain weird looking. But check out her smoking a doob on this awesome celebrity gossip site http://www.laineygossip.com (thanks Sal).

Disconnected

I've been spending a lot of time looking through nature magazines and daydreaming about all the wonderful places that I'd like to visit in Canada. Usually my dreams involve places that are very remote - there is so much untouched land in Canada that it truly is amazing. I thought about taking the boys on a drive through Alberta to the Yukon this summer, but unfortunately it looks like I can't afford it. I'd also love to visit Nunavut, see the polar bears in Churchill, and become lost in the Rockies at winter. One of the best magazines is Canadian Geographic. They have a special travel issue that had an article about a resort in the Purcell Mountains just outside of Golden BC (check out the picture!). They get 10 m of snow annually - yes, that's metres. The resort is so remote that you have to take a helicopter in and then you can spend glorious days snowshoeing or skiing in the mountains and sitting by the fire with some nice red wine and a good book in the evening. So my goal is to find somebody that would like to take me there (and, more importantly, that I would like to take me there).

I'm feeling very disconnected with the earth right now. I'm not happy with my job, my health isn't the best, and I get really tired of my loner status. Living in southern Ontario can suck, especially in the winter when everyone is out in their SUVs driving to get their grande Starbucks and there is just an overall cranky mood in the air. I don't spend nearly enough time outside when the weather is cold and gray. I hate being surrounded by buildings and pavement and cars .... I've always said that I'm going to retire somewhere in the middle of nowhere in the mountains one day. If I could think of a career that would take me away from all of this fast-paced crap, then I'd do it in a second.

For now, I'll just have to look at my magazines and dream .....

Pain in the Neck
While this may describe my personality most days, I'm actually referring to the fact that my surgery is over and went well. The doctor had to remove more of my thyroid than he originally wanted to because the tumour was bigger, but all in all I am doing okay. Lots of good drugs floating in my system to make me a bit fluffy. Came home to 2 sick kids, so I ended up doing too much yesterday and I'm feeling rather sore today. Won't know pathology for a couple of weeks. Apparently my surgeon learnt how to stitch up necks from a plastic surgeon, so the scarring will be minimal. If I had known that before, then I would have asked him to do a little chin and neck tuck while he was in there.

If you were Prime Minister .....

Last night I went to see David Suzuki at Hamilton Place on his "If you were Prime Minister" tour. What an intelligent and inspirational man. And a terrifice speaker! The purpose of the evening was to bring attention to global warming and the impact of our collective footprints on this earth. The message was clear - if we don't do something NOW then we are setting up future generations for devastation and loss. We have surpassed the point of sustainability on this earth. I strongly encourage you to go and see him speak while he's on his cross-Canada tour.

I also encourage you to check out his website www.davidsuzuki.org and sign up for the Nature Challenge. He lists 10 steps that we can do to help with global warming, and all that he asks is that you commit yourself to 3 in the next year. I was happy to see that I'm already doing 7 of them.

Say what you want about the Chretien government, but at least he was on track with the Kyoto Protocol. Now we have a government whose only concern is to get re-elected. Sure Harper may give in to environmental issues, but his sole purpose is to look good to the voters - he doesn't actually believe in saving the environment which, in my eyes, makes him one shitty leader. I never could stand people who do things that go against what they believe just to look good to others - only one word for that .... weak.

The great part about last night is that my son E actually listened to me and became curious enough to know what Suzuki was all about that he made his dad and step-mom take him. He's talking more and more about being a politician one day, and for anyone who knows him - he would make an outstanding leader. Strong with good values and compassion. Let's hope that our kids kick our collective asses for screwing up so badly and put us back on course.

War of the Roses

I read an article in the paper this morning about a divorcing couple in NYC who have built a wall down the middle of their house because both parties refuse to move out. A judge actually ruled that the wall must go up if both Mr and Mrs Taub wanted to stay in the house. An entire page of the paper was devoted to a series of "he said she said" unjustices that the two parties have committed. She claims emotional and physical abuse - he would wake her in the middle of the night demanding that she put his socks on so that he could go visit his mistress; he claims that she dumped him when he had to declare bankruptcy and could no longer pay for her face-lifts and expensive cars.

Oh my gosh - these are grown ups acting like idiots! Get a grip, get a life, suck it up, and move on! I am amazed at how consumed by hatred some people can become - having been through legal proceedings that have taken years to complete, I know. Imagine what this "couple" is teaching their 4 grown children. Why is it that when people split up, they actually think that they are entitled to live the lifestyle that they have been accumstomed to? When I split from somebody, I don't want anything from them. Help the children financially, but other than that I'm fine thank you.

I wonder if Mr and Mrs Taub realize how ridiculous they look. Probably not. Each one is so convinced that they are in the right and have been wronged by the other party. Here's the one thing that I have learnt about life - it ain't fair. If somebody does you wrong, they are more than likely NOT going to apologize. Bad things happen to good people. I have been the recipient of both emotional and physical abuse from a partner, and to this day I know that this individual would never admit to the things that he did because I think that he has to believe that he doesn't possess that kind of cruelty.

Imagine what the world would be like if we said "I'm sorry" on a regular basis. And if we realized that being self-sufficient is one of the most liberating feelings that you can ever have.

Overeaters Anonymous
As I'm sitting at my computer, I am conscious of the fact that my gut is hanging over the belt of my jeans. When did my gut get so big????? I've been reading about adults and weight gain in the news a lot (most still be a post-new year resolution kind of thing to write about). Apparently adults lose their ability to recognize satiety ..... kids can do it, but adults can't. As a result, we eat an average of 4 forkfuls of food per meal past the point of satiety - add those forkfuls up over a year and you're the proud owner of some added "junk in the trunk".

I've always been an emotional eater. And a hormonal eater. I fully recognize that my tendency to eat when I'm bored, sad, lonely, etc. has nothing to do with being hungry. I eat to make myself feel better. Food fills the gap left by my non-existent sex life (too much information?). I think about food constantly. Sometimes when I'm working up a sweat at the gym, I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat when I get home. Pathetic.

But man - I love food. There are so many divine tastes ..... and I'm addicted to every one of them. Chocolate, curry, potato chips, french fries, strawberries, maple syrup, pomegranate, popcorn, pizza, ice cream, caesar salad, garlic bread ............

Maybe my gut is worth it after all.

Instant gratification takes too long
Well, I wish that I had better news about the trials and tribulations of my dating. One the eve of St Valentine's, I am sorry to say that it was simply a case of real duds contacting me yet again. Here's the update:
1. Guy #1 - disappeared. Gone. Whoosh. Probably in the midst of separation hell (alluded to lawyers quite a bit in initial correspondence).
2. Guy #2 - AWOL. After a flurry of emails and initial interest at meeting me - Nada.
3. Guy #3 - sucked it up - phoned him - met him. He's bringing sexy back (yah). Seems decent. Has contacted me a few times. Maybe we'll go out again this weekend ...... won't get my hopes up.
4. Guy #4 - wanted to see more pictures of me, but I'm not quite with the digital age yet. That seemed to turn him off - he probably thought that I was uggers (not that he was anything to write home about).
5. Guy #5 - the player. Nuff said.

Sigh.

This blog is sponsored by the number 4:

Four Jobs I have held:
1. Faculty - The Michener Institute/University of Toronto Medical Radiation Sciences Program
2. Radiation Therapist, Toronto-Sunnybrook Regional Cancer Centre
3. Staffing Coordinator, Nursing Dept at Henderson Hospital
4. Bartender and serving wench, Huether Hotel (aka the Kent) in Waterloo

Four Movies I have watched over and over:
1. Breakfast at Tiffany's
2. LA Story (Steve Martin)
3. Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off (good 80's teenage angst)
4. The Grinch who Stole Christmas - original cartoon

Four places I have lived:
1. Dundas
2. Toronto concrete jungle
3. Hamilton
4. Waterloo

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Lost
2. Survivor ("reality" trashy pleasure #1)
3. America's Next Top Model ("reality" trashy pleasure #2)
4. Debbie Travis' Facelift

Four (most memorable) places I have been on vacation:
1. Paris
2. Switzerland
3. the Rockies
4. Tofino BC

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Eggs (no joke)
2. Green curry shrimp & beans (from Vietnamese dive in Hamilton)
3. French fries
4. Red wine (okay, not technically a food but made from grapes ..... I know I'm stretching it)

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. anywhere in Europe - London, Paris, Vienna, etc. (note-with some hunky guy)
2. Algonquin Park (note-with some hunky guy)
3. in bed (note-with some hunky guy)
4. getting a massage (note-I think that you get the picture)

Sunday Rant
Okay - I am officially very hurt and pissed off. My 40th birthday is approaching, and for the past year I have been telling my son that it would be so nice if somebody made a big deal and planned a "surprise" party for me. Since there is no significant other in my life, E thought that he could handle it, especially since my sister got on the bandwagon and told him that she would help. October - better start planning. November - better start planning. December - sister is here and they talk about the fact that they better start planning .... you get the picture. Lots of talk. My friend J even joined in and offered to help.

January rolls around and my son decides that maybe he should get the email addresses of my friends. With lots of complaining about how hard this is to plan. Pretty sure that he never used the list. Today I got the call from my sister telling me that it's too hard to plan - they've been thinking about what they're going to do for me, but it's not going to happen. And my expectations were too high.

Are you kidding me? How long have they known about this. How many countless f***ing hours has my child spent playing video games or on the computer when he could have been emailing my friends. My sister is unemployed for God's sake - plenty of time to email people, no?!?!?!?! And there's my precious, self-absorbed teenager who expects handouts all the time (like the $1500 cruise that he's going on and that took me more than a year of saving to pay for), and who needs me to write a note to tell him to pick up the recycling bins at the end of the driveway because, and I quote, "you can't expect me to remember to do something like that!" I used to send my friends birthday cards every year - friends that went way back to highschool and university. And for years I didn't even get a thank you, or a birthday card in return. So I decided to stop sending them - nobody gave a crap about my thoughtful gesture. Then there's the parties that I've tried to plan in the past couple of years - you send out invites and most people wait to see if "something better comes up" before replying. A lot of people who RSVPed to say that they would attend, just wouldn't bother showing up. So no more parties - I couldn't stand the apathy.

Would it have killed people to make an effort and make a big deal about me for a change? I haven't exactly been feeling great about myself lately, and to tell you the truth I'm an emotional mess about my surgery in a week. Why can't anybody look beyond themself, suck it up, put in a bit of work, and make my day. My birthdays are always ignored - nobody has made a big deal about me in ....... I don't even know how long. So in about 3 weeks I'm going to be turning 40 and it will be just another day. Just another pathetic day.

Reflections .....
A woman that I work with had surgery yesterday to remove a tumour from her spine - it was compressing her spinal cord and the surgeon couldn't believe that she wasn't a quadriplegic. She's 29. The surgery went well (5 1/2 hours) and I don't know if the tumour was benign or not - with central nervous system tumours it sometimes doesn't matter though. Why do these things happen? One day you're complaining about the tingling in your arms, and the next day you're having surgery that might result in you never walking again, and yet if you don't have the surgery you definitely will never walk again.

Life is such a crapshoot. I've had a lot of stuff thrown at me over the years, but nothing like what this woman is going through. I almost feel silly for worrying about my upcoming surgery. I think what worries me the most (and this is sooooooo dumb) is that I don't have anybody who will be there to worry about me, or to visit me, or what if nobody even asks about me and how things went? Isn't that crazy that I just want people to make a big deal about me for a change? Is that the only way that I know that people actually care? I've done such a good job at keeping people at a distance that I ultimately pay the price for doing that.

Manchild goes to a party ......
Last week was exam week for manchild. One day he calls me at work to ask if he can go to a party in the evening, and could I please hurry home from work. I get home to find him ready to rock with some new guy friend waiting for him - this kid looks like the kind of kid who is going to be trouble .... charming with the parents though (the worst kind if you ask me - think Eddie Haskill). Anyhow, I give manchild the usual hard time about is there going to be drinking, are the parents home, what time will he be home (midnight) etc. and he TOTALLY lies to me. Like I'm stupid and don't know. Anyhow, I let it go and off he goes. Around 9pm he's back - with a girl. So much for the party. I ask him what happened - apparently the party got out of hand and he didn't like the scene, so he left with his female "friend". When asked what happened to his buddy, he replied that he was last seen with "some nasties" (aka skanky girls) walking to the park. And as manchild is talking to me, the scent from the cinnamon gum that he is chewing is knocking me over - manchild never chews gum.

Honest - I wasn't drinking mom. Manchild - I'm not stupid.

My boyfriend Rick

On Friday night I went to a taping of the Rick Mercer Report. This man is a freaking genius when it comes to his funny insights on Canadian politics. I didn't realize that he was so short - but it's funny (ha ha) how a great sense of humour can overshadow certain deficits in a man. So watch the show this Tuesday Feb 6th and see if you can spot me in the front row of the studio audience.

BTW - Rick is looking so serious in the picture because he's contemplating whether he should switch sexual orientation with such a fine specimen of woman beside him ...... (he's gay, right?)

The negotiation
Dating, for me, is like a negotiation. Just trying to set up an initial meeting is exhausting. Throw in kids on both sides, and it's damn near impossible. Here's what I've come across in the past couple of weeks (remember, we're working with more than 100 guys who have contacted me, and I've managed to whittle it down to 5):

1. Very interesting, and cute, guy contacts me. Fireman, 38, lives near me, has kids, likes outdoor things, and cute (oh, sorry - mentioned that already). Wants to meet me. Countless emails. Will contact me after my Halifax trip. Has since disappeared.
2. Very interesting, and cute, guy #2 contacts me. Lives in Hamilton, 42, has kids, very down to earth, tall, and cute (oh, sorry - mentioned that already). Wants to meet me. Set up meeting. I'm sick. Want to reschedule. My day without kids = his day with kids. How's Thursday? Doesn't work. Friday? Kids. You get the picture.
3. Seemingly decent, and cute, guy#3 contacts me. Lives in Hamilton, 39, no kids, professional, and cute (oh, sorry - mentioned that already). Wants to meet me. Wants me to phone him (I don't do that without meeting first - too weird). Can't meet - going to Halifax. Still wants to meet. Has to go to funeral. Still wants to meet. What am I waiting for? Waiting for guy #2 who really, really piques my interest ....
4. Seemingly decent, funny, guy #4 contacts me. Lives in Toronto, 42, kids, British, not so sure about the cute part .... but unique. Wants to meet me. Halifax. Kids. Still wants to meet. What am I waiting for?
5. Very interesting, and cute guy #5 contacts me. Lives in Toronto, film-maker, think he's a millionnaire, wants to take me to a Raptors game, and cute (oh, sorry - mentioned that already). Go to Halifax, so a week goes by. Contact him. He fucking can't remember who I am! ASSHOLE PLAYER!

You see what I mean? Exhausting!