My obit according to Quiz Galaxy. Psssttt ..... I'm not dead yet ......

A Man named Flake
Let me tell you a story about a man named Flake. I first met said man in February - the result of an on-line wink and a smile that led to a date. We seemingly hit it off, and Flake was interested in pursuing my company further (please note that Flake really wasn't a flake at this point, or so it seemed .....). So Flake and I kept in touch, emailed often, I had surgery, recuperated, and then we tried to get together again. Due to prior commitments on both my part and Flake's, we didn't manage to get together as we had hoped at the beginning of March, but then Flake sent me an invitation to a St Paddy's party at his house. Odd ..... we've only been out on one date ..... I verified with Flake that this was no accident - he sent me the invite on purpose to see me again and to show me the extensive renovations that he made to his house.

So I convinced my friend J to come along to this St Paddy's day party as my buffer - truth is that she knows the guy from university. We get to the party, and Flake has just started the Irish sing-along at which he must play the piano for the next hour whilst drunken folk sing good old St Paddy's songs. J and I mix and mingle, drink, and merrily strike up a conversation with a lovely couple who live down the street from me. Throughout the next couple of hours, Flake approached me often and says that he will come talk as soon as he gets a chance. Hmmm ... looking nervous. J also notices a woman that she knew years ago as said woman was dating J's roommate. We'll call this woman Stringbean as she was rather tall and thin. We end up flopped on the sofa with Stringbean, and this is where it gets interesting.

Stringbean is an odd woman. She mentioned things like "co-hosting" the party that evening, and about "furnishing at least 1/2 of Flake's house", and Flake this, and Flake that. What the? I finally turned to my friend J, very perplexed, and asked her if she's getting the same picture as I was - that Stringbean and Flake are dating. Her response - "well Stringbean certainly thinks that they are".

Let me interject with one point - I specifically asked Flake when we met if he was either (a) married (because you'd be surprised), or (b) had a girlfriend. Answer = no to both.

When Flake finally met up with the now 3 of us, he sat beside me, and talked to me, and told me that he would call, and thanked me for coming to the party. Whatever Flake. Do you think that I've heard from him since - email, phone call, or otherwise?

What a Flake.

Back to work Blues
I'm singing the back to work blues today. BIG time. I couldn't sleep last night at all - combination anxiety at returning to a MOUND of work, and my son kept having nightmares that woke me up (maybe he was channeling my anxious brain waves). So I ended up in the shower at 5am and at work before 8am. The day was okay, but it's amazing how quickly the fatigue comes back. I am already back to falling asleep on the train on the way home. One of the first things that I did when I got to work was fill out a vacation slip for my Paris trip - oh ya, I booked my flight to Paris with my friend K. I can't wait! I have already warned her that I'm the tourist-Nazi and will have quite the itinerary set up for us.

Now if I can only get through the next 7 weeks ......

A Fun time had by all .....

Big fun on Saturday night for my "official" 40th celebration. The last guest(s) left at about 3:30am and I must admit that I haven't done that in a while. Highlights of the evening:

1. wonderful speeches by E and B
2. god-awful yearbook pictures (thanks Jill! did we really need to see my 80's hair?)
3. the infamous blow-the-clothespin-off-your-nose fart story
4. "stick a cork in it" (said with an english accent)
5. sparklers in the kitchen - good to know that it was a firefighters idea .....
6. a phone call from Regina
7. Sake (sucky)
8. pink shoes ("these shoes rule")
9. a drunken firefighter (pictured above) and spinach dip, the remains of which are still on my sidewalk .....

Still have a bit of a storm brewing inside my head ...... hangovers just ain't what they used to be. Thanks to my wonderful boss (the sexy one pictured above on the right), I'm able to work from home on my first day back to work.

My new Boyfriend

On Tuesday, my sister and I went to a taping of The Hour. I am even more in love with George S (please don't make me spell it .....) and I can tell that he digs me as well. He couldn't take his eyes off me during the taping - so what if the teleprompter was right behind my head. And I was one of only 4 lucky individuals that got a t-shirt at the end of the show - so what if my sister had to point out the fact that I had a genius IQ which he felt was deserving of some clothing. He couldn't wait to get a picture taken with me - he went straight for the arm around the waist and I think that I heard him whisper "I want you" in my ear. I will post the picture as soon as I download it from my camera.

Okay, seriously - I am not demented nor delusional (well, maybe just a bit). I had fun. George was very interesting and so high energy. The ADD nature of the program could have something to do with the fact that he is hooked on Energy drinks. He tells a good story - he likes the sound of his own voice; that comes across quite clearly - but I can forgive that in someone that is funny and interesting. The guest on his show was the director of the documentary Sharkwater which is opening tomorrow. Looks awesome! (And this guy was hot, hot, hot - see picture.)

I am definitely going to go back to see another taping. I'll keep going until they label me a stalker and put me on the "call security if you see this person" list.

I'm a freaking genius!
Did anybody (everybody) watch "Test the Nation" last night on CBC? It was a nation-wide IQ test. There were 60 timed multiple-choice questions on areas like language, memory, math, perception, etc. It was really interesting. They had 7 different groups of people in the audience as well to see how every fared against each other. No surprise that the surgeons came out on top, while the celebrities didn't do so well (but they looked good). If you missed it, then you can take the test online at http://www.cbc.ca/testthenation/. Even if you don't want to take the test, go to the website and check out the breakdown of scores according to gender, province (prairies are the smartest Sal!), hair colour, etc.

According to the test, my IQ is 127 which puts me in the top 10% of people. Freaking genius man.

Happy St. Paddy's!


Why we love the Irish:

• U2
• Colin Farrell (so he's a bad boy .... we love him anyway, or we love him because of it)
• Guinness
• their wicked cool accents
• Cillian Murphy (so he plays deranged killers in movies .... he's still hot!)
• The Irish Rovers (good cheese)
• Lucky Charms (OK, technically not Irish but we love the leprechaun who says "They're after me Lucky Charms!)
• Dublin
• The Pogues
• Trinity College (beautiful, beautiful university)
• George Bernard Shaw (famous Dublin playwright)
• Irish Spring soap
• Bram Stoker
• we get to drink green beer once a year! (remember drinking green beer in the Bombshelter Sal?)

Lacking in the motivation department
Am I ever! I have so much work-related stuff to do - although technically I am on sick leave. But if it doesn't get done prior to my return on March 26th then things will not be good. Household chores are being ignored as well. All I want to do is sit and read my book today. In my pyjamas. I spent about 1/2 hour looking for another job on Workopolis today, only to be very discouraged. My qualifications are way too specific.

Random thoughts:

1. Sally is getting a Vespa. I'm jealous.
2. I tried a face mask from Lush last night and it was divine. The smell wasn't so divine (garlic was an ingredient), but my face is very very happy today.
3. I miss my boys. I've been having bad dreams about B.
4. I think that I'll have sushi for breakfast.
5. I need to get in shape. Again. If I'm going to do my cycling trip in July, I need to get my ass moving.
6. I am spending WAY too much time on Youtube (hence the Shoes video). Ali G and Bruno videos are my favourite.
7. Why do garbage men always have to toss containers when they're finished? Can't they just put them back where they found them .... upright?!?

shoes

Warning: might want to turn down the volume at the end if kiddies are around. I couldn't resist a video that incorporates cool 80's dance moves, robots, and a man in a purple unitard.

The Return of Manchild
Manchild is home safe and sound. His bus rolled in at 2:30am on Tuesday. Seester and I set our alarm clocks for 1:30am, drove to the school (2 min) and then sat in my car for over 1/2 hour. Lots of tired, grumpy parents sitting around in the cold. Before I could even say hello to manchild as he stepped off this bus, some tartlet apprehended him and threw her arms around him. Raised eyebrows were exchanged with seester ..... hmmmm ...... what exactly is this? Anyhow, manchild had a great time (and tartlet is apparently just a friend - an older woman in grade 11 no less).

My manchild is such a good kid. Judging by his pictures, he is quite popular as well. And he has a lot of female friends. He was responsible with his money, his suitcase was still neatly packed, and he brought home an awesome present for his brother. Plus he emailed me from the cruiseship on my birthday.

Now manchild is off skiing in Quebec. Nice life manchild .... nice life.

Disinformation - Things we're not supposed to know
I love "The Hour" and George Stroumboulopoulos. His interviewing skills are amazing, and he is introducing the young and hip generation to CBC. I have tickets to a taping of his show next week - can't wait. On The Hour website, there is an area devoted to disinformation. It's scary - you need to check it out at http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/disinformation.php. It's filled with little facts about things that our leaders, businesses, etc. don't want us to know. For example:

1. We were almost nuked in 1995 - minutes away from a nuclear holocaust due to a breakdown in communication involving the US (who else), Norway, and Russia.
2. One person in 10 isn't fathered by the person they think is their dad.
3. Approximately 30% of lynchings in the US did not involve black people.
4. Gandhi refused to let his dying wife take penicillin for reasons of faith (she died) yet when he contracted malaria a few weeks later he took medicine to save his own life.
5. The Bayer company made heroin and introduced it to the world. It was originally used as a cough suppressant. They got out of the heroin business when those pesky addictions started surfacing.

The nuclear war piece in particular freaked me out, and made me think about what I was doing on January 25, 1995.

It's not Cancer!
Good news received from my surgeon on Friday - the pathology report from the surgery showed no cancer! Phew. Obviously a false positive biopsy back in the fall, but according to the surgeon I needed to have surgery anyway. (I could have done without the stress of thinking that I had cancer for the past few months, but what are you going to do?) I have thyroid disease. There is no guarantee that I will not need further surgery or medication for the rest of my life - it's a "wait and see" kind of thing.

Only 2 more weeks until I return to work ...... damn.

Actual Letter to Proctor & Gamble

Attention: James Thatcher, Brand manager Feminine Hygiene division

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.. which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Big case of the Blahs
Post-birthday blues? Winter yucks? Who knows - but a severe shortage of energy has been slowly building this week. I hope that it doesn't mean that the little piece of thyroid that is left in my neck isn't working (and I'll need to take medication for the rest of my life) because that would suck. I have my post-surgery follow up tomorrow so it's a big day. Hopefully I can convince the surgeon that I need at least another 3 weeks off work .... 3 months, heck 3 years, would be ideal but I'll settle for another 3 weeks for now. And please, oh please, no further surgery required!

My sister arrived yesterday for a visit and she is doing her usual sleep in. Even the smell of fresh-brewed coffee cannot rouse her. I also went out with my fellow invalid co-worker for some cheesecake yesterday ..... she's the one who had a tumour removed from her spine at the beginning of February (benign, thank goodness!). We were quite the pair of sore-necks eating our cheesecake and swapping hospital/doctor horror stories. The healthcare system in Canada sucks! You'd think that if you work in this setting that you would be a compassionate person, but I've met too many people from secretaries to surgeons who have shitty people skills.

A big thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes, flowers, cards, cupcakes, etc. You made my day less traumatic!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to me ....
Well, it happened. It's here. My 40th birthday. Shite. It's not sitting very well with me already - up at 5am doing laundry. I'm not even close to where I want to be in my life - and I'm not even close to having a man in my life who loves me, or who even slightly digs me at this point. I know, I know .... I need to own being 40, and not let being 40 own me (right C?).

According to The Secret Language of Birthdays, here is what it says about those born on March 7th (ie. me):
- complex individuals that live in an abstract world
- can give the impression of living on another plane of existence (a nice way of saying "what planet are you from?")
- usually lead highly private lives .... somewhat secretive
- sensitive, dreamy, and imaginative ..... but can be rather unstable (ha!)
- the often lonely world of March 7 people is not an easy one to penetrate .... those who wish to be friends with them will need to be exceptionally patient and understanding and not too demanding
- March 7 people are extremely giving to those whom they feel are deserving, but don't react well to direct pressure being applied to them .... their reaction is to withdraw both emotionally and physically
- when attacked or criticized, March 7 people will defend themselves to a degree (if at all) before pulling back into their own safe space .... they learn very quickly who they can and cannot trust
- highly sympathetic to the needs of others on a basic human level and thus justice and equality are extremely important
- problems encountered include inconstant energy, lack of a rich social life, fears and instabilities, and a feeling of uncertainty about what it is that they are meant to do with their lives
- must be extremely careful with their health .... their great sensitivity makes them prone to stress on their lymphatic and blood systems constantly forcing the body to react and defend itself
- restrict dairy products and emphasize grains and vegetables in the diet (okay, I threw this in here because I find this freaky .... I don't eat meat because of health issues, and I cut out dairy last year because it was responsible for my whopping case of adult acne!)
- need sufficient sleep, but should not indulge in excess since it can easily become a means of escape from the world (oh god that is so me)
- they may or may not find ever find the right person with whom to share their life

Strengths - conceptual, sensitive, giving
Weaknesses - diffuse, withdrawn, lonely

Is that describing me or what?!?!?!?

Hauntings
Why oh why do I watch those shows on TV where people go into supposed haunted houses, when I am alone at night?!? Last night I watched a show called "Haunted House" or something like that, and there was an investigation in an old house in Britain that has been turned into a music station. Staff have heard children laughing, nursery rhymes, and little feet running in the hallway when nobody is there. There have also been many instances of lights being turned on, little objects being moved, etc. I don't know what the history of the building was (flipping channels to "Legally Blond" - a classic), but I think that it was an orphanage or something. Anyhow, they had to get the night vision cameras rolling and those completely freak me out. Anything looks scary with those things. Anyhow, the staff were shaking during the night vigils, said that they heard sneezing (I didn't hear it), little noises were heard - one foolish woman even spent time ALONE in the place with the night vision camera rolling on her. Idiot!

I also watch this show on Fridays called "Most Haunted". I love the show because of the history that they present, but it's basically a team of investigators who go around the UK looking into famously haunted buildings. Some of these places date back 800 years or so! The night vision cameras are a big part of the show as well, and I have seen some freaky things caught on film - chairs moving by themselves, pianos playing, etc. And sometimes I watch this by myself as well. I get so freaked out that I'm terrified to walk around my own house after watching - I would rather pee in my pants than go to the bathroom which is halfway down to the basement.

So last night, I watched the show on and off, I freaked myself out, and then heard noises when I went to bed (and I have to take a running leap into bed in case something under my bed grabs me ...... ). Normal house noises turn into evil haunting noises. I'm completely fine in the morning too. The psychological power of suggestion in very strong - while I do believe that there are spirits roaming this world and lots of unexplained phenomenon (I saw a ghost when I was in university, and no it wasn't from any hallucinogenic drug that I may or may not have consumed), I realize that I am responsible for must of the freakiness that I encounter when I'm at home alone.

Relationships, and why we've got it all wrong
It wouldn't be my blog without some weekend reflections on relationships. Yes, another weekend spent BY MYSELF (which is okay - really, I needed the rest) despite the fact that there are various men out there who are supposedly very keen on meeting me and/or going out with me again. The phrase "he's just not that into you" has gone through my head a few times this weekend, because I figure that if a guy is digging me then he'll find an hour in his day to meet me for coffee at the very least.

Anyhow, I read an article a while back about the fact that women have got it all wrong when it comes to marriage. Our emphasis on communication and intimacy has taken all the fun out of men just being men. Specifically it stated that:

• couples who expess physical affection, such as cuddling, are draining the sexual tension from their relationship
• the only way to create the emotional space that will trigger your mate's desire for you is to rudely ignore your partner
• all the verbal sharing that happens in a couple (eg. how was your day honey?) is draining the mystery from the relationship

When I read those 3 points, I envision old Hollywood - you know, the glamour and sexual tension that is captured in movies from the 40's and 50's. Lots of verbal foreplay between the man and the woman - a sort of I don't want you, catch me if you can attitude towards the men, definitely bordering on rude behaviour sometimes. You would never see a man and woman holding hands, or cuddling on the couch. Romance was a dramatic I can't stand it - I must have you NOW embrace with a big smooch (cue the music).

So I'm not sure if I agree with what I read, but it makes one think. How many times have I been caught up with a guy who just loves the thrill of the chase, and then once he has you - over. This is probably my biggest beef with online dating - it's the thrill of contacting a woman and seeing if she'll reciprocate the interest. She does - okay, boring - let's click on another pretty woman and see what she'll do. Instant gratification. Playing hard to get (ie. rudely ignoring your partner) was never a game that I liked to play. I'm just usually too naive to notice that somebody is actually interested in me!

Manchild goes on vacation
Manchild is off on his first trip sans parental units. On Friday he left with about 100 other pimple-faced band members for a cruise to the Bahamas where they will be playing in a music festival. Nice, huh? When I was in highschool the best trip that we had was to Quebec to go skiing. Manchild gets 5 days in Florida (mainly Miami and Walt Disney World) and 5 days on a cruise to Naussau and Key West. It took us a year and a half to pay for the trip (yes, manchild paid for just over a 1/3 of the cost), and boy was he excited!

Manchild doesn't necessarily like any of the males in the band, but a few of his close female friends are on the trip with him. I didn't think anything of it until my friend T pointed out that he's going to have sex on this trip. What?!?!? Not manchild! There are chaperones - how can an inexperienced teenager possibly find the gumption to have sex under the watchful eyes of adults? I can't see it happening ...... or maybe I just don't want to believe that it will happen. I realize that he's getting to an age where it's going to happen sooner or later. I'm just hoping that it's later .......

Real Beauty
Have you seen the Dove campaigns for real beauty? They are absolutely amazing. The latest one is emphasizing beautiful, real women over the age of 50 - they call it their "pro-age" campaign. The commercial that ran on TV was pulled and is now banned. Go to http://www.doveproage.com/ to watch the commercial. And you have to see this for an unbelievable lesson: http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ca/film_fullscreen_evo.html

No wonder we have such a warped idea of what beauty looks like. I was flipping through the channels the other day, and came across the Tyra Banks show (yes I know - annoying). Tyra was at an eating disorders rehab facility and was interviewing a 26 year old woman who was a tabloid photographer. When the photographer told Tyra that she promoted the warped perception that women need to be skinny through ANTM, Ms Banks didn't like that. "Oh no I don't - it just so happens that all the girls that apply are stick skinny (ya right) and this year I made sure to include not one, but TWO plus size models." Please - give me a break. How long do you think those "fatties" will last on the show. Tyra then went on to point out that she is now considered overweight at 161 pounds but loves the way she looks and considers it healthy.

The funniest thing that the tabloid photographer said was that most of the celebrities that she's come across have been really beautiful, but not very nice people. (I suppose that tabloid photographers aren't exactly their favourite people though, are they?) All they have is their looks. I've always said that they should take an average schmo (like me) and put them through Hollywood boot camp. Personal trainer, facial treatments (peels, lasers, Botox, fillers), hair extensions, stylists .... the works. Just to see how they turn out in the end. Look at somebody like Nicole Kidman - do you remember what she looked like when she was a young, Australian actor? Frizzy big red hair, bushy brows, and a completely different body shape. They have molded her into the plastic barbie doll that she is today.

We need to stop focusing on what is unattainable on the outside, and start focusing on the wonderful people that we are on the inside.

Happy March
The countdown is on to my BIG 4-0 birthday. I read that women tend to dread this birthday, but once it's over then being 40 rocks. I'm holding on to that. 40 is the new 20 doncha know. Anyhow, my mother bought me a book years ago on personology and what type of person you are based on the day that you were born. She bought it because it was eerily bang on when it came to me (March 7th). I just read my friend Sal's blog and she had a link to something that was very similar to this book. Here's what it said about me:
***Your Birthdate: March 7***
You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy. And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you. Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights. You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!
Your strength: Your self sufficiency
Your weakness: You despise authority
Your power color: Maroon
Your power symbol: Hammer
Your power month: July
http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/

That's pretty much me in a nutshell.

I leave you with a funny joke: Ukrainian Eye Test

A Ukrainian in Saskatoon goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

"Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy."