Poor Me ......
The last couple of postings were not me at my finest. I am going to blame most of it on the weather (lack of sunshine, SAD) because the sun was shining all day today and it just makes me feel better inside. I usually don't like to focus on what is missing from my life (ie. the whole loneliness posting) and I can only take the self-pity for so long.

Do you get the November blahs? Maybe it's hitting me early this year. I know that the February blahs are a documented phenomenon, but I think that November is a crappy month as well. So, to raise my spirits here is a list of 20 things that make me happy:
1. chocolate (especially European chocolate)
2. children's laughter (especially my kids')
3. a great-fitting pair of jeans - the kind that makes your ass look great from every angle
4. electric blankets
5. good hair days
6. decorating the Christmas tree with E and B
7. a good book/movie/CD
8. my bed
9. did I mention chocolate?
10. the high I get from spinning
11. finding money in my pocket when I'm not expecting it
12. summer vacation
13. rapini and garlic
14. a hug from B
15. my morning coffee
16. when people remember my birthday (March 7th btw ...)
17. massages
18. my tattoo
19. when a man opens the car door for me
20. getting a postcard in the mail

(Happy Birthday J !!!!)

Loneliness
Last night, I had a conversation with some of my friends about the difference between being alone and being lonely. You see, I like being alone - it wasn't always that way, but I have come to enjoy my own company and I don't freak out if there isn't somebody there to reinforce that I am a loveable person. In fact, the times in my life where I was terrified of being alone were the times in my life that I made some really bad decisions. What I do not like, however, is feeling lonely. It's the complete lack of intimacy in my life that makes me sad (and I'm not just talking about the physical "intimacy" if you know what I mean .....). For anyone who knows me really well, I thrive on the close, personal relationships that I form with people - friends, family, partners - and I tend to back away from superficial, chit chat, acquaintance-type relationships.

I have a few friends who have all announced the end of their marriages in the last few months. And I worry about some of them because I don't think that they will handle being alone very well. In fact, I already see some very bad decisions being made and I worry how far their "acting out" is going to go and the effect that it will have on their children. I know what they're going through - I've been there (twice) and while I would never judge them, I also have a really hard time standing by and watching them behave like they were in highschool again.

So back to the lonely versus being alone. How do you conquer the loneliness? I can't let my guard down even for a second, and the chances of a relationship in the near future isn't looking promising. I realize that this has everything to do with me and that one day I will need to trust somebody. My good friend J actually called me on something last night which surprised me - she told me that I'm a "runner" - whenever there is the slightest chance of getting close to somebody I run. Bless her - I thought that I hid that really, really well. Close friends cannot be fooled!

Rainy Days
For the past 2+ weeks the weather here has been gray and rainy. I can't remember seeing the sun for more than 2 hours in total. I wake up in the morning (5:30am) and it stays dark until after 7am. Yesterday I had to drive home from London at night and there were many moments when I was sure that I was going to die. Those transport trucks on the 401 are deadly - I wonder if they realize that the drivers passing them are completely blind due to the spray coming off their trucks. When I passed a tanker, not only did I have to contend with the spray coming off the truck, but it was creating turbulence - I felt like I was in a small plane being tossed around. No wonder I had a raging headache by the time I got home.
The weather makes me angry. No seriously - I feel unprovoked anger most days which results in me being really bitchy and impatient with people. Is this a sign of SAD? It seems that my general mood is "pissed off", friends and colleagues are bugging me, and I'm finding myself less able to bite my tongue which has resulted in some uncomfortable moments. All of this makes it very attractive to be around me lately. With Halloween approaching, I've even decided that I'm not buying a pumpkin (which I LOVE doing every year), and I'm not going to buy any candy, and I'm going to sit at home in the dark on Tuesday and pretend that I don't hear the doorbell ringing.

Dud Central
If I have to go out on another dud of a date with a dud of a guy .... somebody please shoot me. Okay, perhaps that's not quite fair - most of the guys that I have had dates with have been nice people, just not for me. I have come across the odd slime - yes, slime at my age (perhaps one never outgrows it) - but for the most part, these are normal, pleasant people. Nobody has even remotely interested me - is that normal?
I think that I am a catch - smart, funny, look good for my age, independent - and then I look at what the guys that I have been interested in eventually fall for. Insecure, clingy, dependent women who they end up fighting with all the time. BUT I lose out to them because they don't have children. It's easier to date them. Not fair. Or I lose out to the women who (how shall I put this nicely) "put it out there". Although come to think of it, I would never want to be that woman and have sex be the only thing that a man is interested in me for.
If I hear one more guy tell me that the woman that they're with is "okay for now" I am going to scream. Because buster - I am so much more than okay.

Mama Mia Pizzaria
I've been feeling way down in the dumps lately. I started my new job, I have to travel for the other job, so I'm exhausted on top of poopy. Not pretty. Yesterday I came home from 8 hours of work, and 3 hours of commuting and B informs me that we HAVE TO make a pizza entirely out of candy for his french class. For tomorrow. Shite.
So I end up spending my evening baking an angel food cake "pizza", running to the grocery store to buy the candy "toppings", and then putting the damn pizza together. Oh, did I mention that the pizza had to have at least 10 toppings? We got creative - red icing for the sauce, coconut for the cheese, gummy fish for anchovies, green jujubes for green pepper - you get the picture. By the end of all this I was ready to snap (and almost did at B, poor thing).
When I came home tonight, B was so excited because everybody LOVED his pizza (most popular one so far thank you very much) and his french teacher gave him 91% on the pizza and the speech that he gave about it. Yes.

Adventures in Europe part 2
I have to go see the movie "Marie Antoinette" - I might even break down and go see it BY MYSELF (egads) this evening. When I was in Vienna, I became fascinated by Marie Antoinette's family the Hadsburgs. Mama Maria Theresa was quite something - she had about 20 children (not all survived) because back then the royals tried to pump out as many heirs to the throne as possible. The picture that I have posted is Schonbrunn Palace in Vienna - the summer home of the Hadsburgs. It was unbelievable. The palace was spectacular in itself, but then there were amazing gardens, statues, and even a waterfall to explore. I am quite proud that I spent hours at this place despite the fact that I was experiencing the evil stomach thing that I caught on my train trip to Vienna. I must have looked so pathetic wandering around whilst doubling over in extreme pain from the stomach cramps - not to mention the fact that I had to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes while I waited for the Immodium to kick in with the hopes of getting rid of the unbelievable "peeing out my ...." phenomenon - well, you get the picture.
Okay, so back to poor old Marie. Imagine your mother sending you to a different country (one that you were at war with no less) to marry some older dude when you were only 14 years old. The poor girl was stripped at the border of France and examined to make sure that she was a virgin! Mama Maria Theresa wasn't known for her touchy-feely parenting, but after being pregnant 20 times and popping out as many babies, I'm pretty sure that her brain wasn't functioning properly (all the mothers that are reading this are nodding their heads right now). So her daughter became a political pawn and then had to contend with a total dud of a husband - it took them 7 years to consumate their marriage! No wonder she had to eat cake .....
When I was in Paris I ran across another Marie Antoinette connection. I went to the Conciergerie which was the jail that was used during the French Revolution in the 1700's. I saw the cell that Marie was housed in prior to her execution. And then I saw the exact spot where the executions were done at Place de Concorde. They say that the street ran so heavy with the blood from the guillotine that the oxen pulling the condemned refused to walk down it.

Blogitis
Have you seen the different blogs that are out there? It varies from the mundane (a poor bored woman who has to document every little detail of her day like what she bought at the grocery store, and how she picked up her pictures at Costco, etc like anybody fucking cares) to the bizarre (a guy who documents his bowel movements - I kid you not) to the educational (a blog on how to buy a truck for example). It's unbelievable.
So why would I decide to do this - write down somewhat personal thoughts for everybody to read? Well, 2 reasons really. I'm taking a Leadership course and I've been told that all great leaders keep a journal and jot down their thoughts and ideas. Anything to help me be a leader (which I don't personally think I qualify for, but somebody at work has faith in me). The second reason has to do with my recent news involving the c-word. I was slipping into what my friend S so eloquently refers to as "the dark side" and had to get things out of my head. Read it or not - all I know is that I enjoy doing this.

The Slime that Men Do .....
Not a very welcoming title for the men reading this, is it? Women - you have to check out this website: http://www.humblehoward.com/slime_samples/. It's filled with real stories of slimey things that men have done - like the guy who threw a big surprise birthday party for his wife, and then asked for a divorce in front of all their friends! Or the guy who was out playing poker with the boys, and called his wife around 2am to say "I'll be home late, and make sure that you sleep on your back! Heh heh." I'm not joking! Or the guy who stole jewellery from his girlfriend to pay for his secret drug habit .... no wait a minute - that happened to me.

Women may be bitchy and a bit psycho at times, but we could never be slimey.

29 Random Things that you didn't know about ME:
1. WHAT CURSE WORD DO YOU USE THE MOST? shit, but fuck is good too
2. D0 YOU OWN AN iPOD? MP3 player, but not iPOD
3. WHAT PERSON DO YOU TALK TO THE MOST? myself (how sad is that?)
4. WHAT TIME IS YOUR ALARM CLOCK SET FOR? 5:30 am (life of the commuter)
5. DO YOU WEAR FLIP FLOPS WHEN IT'S COLD? like, outside? NO
6. WOULD YOU RATHER TAKE THE PICTURE OR BE IN THE PICTURE? take it – not photogenic at all
7. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Departed (classic Jack – you gotta see it)
8. DO ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE CHILDREN? yes, and we’re all a bit demented for it
9. ARE YOU PICKY ABOUT SPELLING AND GRAMMAR? obsessively so
10. HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN MEDS TO HELP YOU FALL ASLEEP? does Gravol count?
11. WHAT CD IS CURRENTLY IN YOUR CD PLAYER? 80’s CD that I burned for myself
12. DO YOU PREFER REGULAR MILK OR CHOCOLATE MILK? soya milk these days
13. HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU A SECRET THIS WEEK? people tell me secrets all the freaking time
14. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD STARBUCKS? I’m a Hamilton girl so it’s Tim Horton’s all the way ….
15. DO YOU THINK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK? probably, and karma will catch up with them one day
16. HOW OLD WILL YOU BE TURNING ON YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY? the big 4 oh
17. WHAT MOVIE DO YOU KNOW EVERY LINE TO? Geez …. The Party (birdy birdy num nums)
18. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING? oil and vinegar
19. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU? not that I know of, so if you’re reading this and you are then please please please identify yourself
20. DO YOU DO YOUR OWN DISHES? yes but trying to get my boys to notice that contrary to what they believe, dishes are not self-cleaning
21. EVER CRY IN PUBLIC? yes (fucking embarrassing)
22. ARE YOU ON A DESKTOP COMPUTER OR A LAPTOP COMPUTER? desktop
23. ARE YOU CURRENTLY WANTING ANY PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS? want another tattoo – love my first one that much
24. WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE? pissing rain today
25. WOULD YOU EVER DATE SOMEONE COVERED IN TATTOOS? why – does somebody covered in tattoos want to date me?
26. D0 YOU USE SARCASM? gosh, no. never. not me. nope.
27. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SLEPT ON THE FLOOR? what kind of question is that?
28. H0W MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO YOU NEED TO FUNCTION? at least 8
29. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? emergency c-section …. but there was that bar fight back in 87 as well ….

Thanks to Sal for the questions.

Dear Marta ...
Today I had 2 of my graduates who are now working at the hospital that I work at visit me in my office. They both came to me looking for some advice on work-related things - one of them spent about an hour with me and it turned into more of a therapy session. Here's the thing - I'm great at dishing out advice, but not so good at following it. I talk a good game when it comes to not taking responsiblity for other people's "stuff", suggestions for conflict resolution, and not letting other people's insecurities get the best of us. But if I take a good look at myself, I have a hard time taking my own advice. I tend to take things personally, and while I may appear on the outside that things slide off my shoulders, I am sometimes deeply affected on the inside by what others do. Not to mention the fact that I am great at avoiding conflict.

I can hear my friend C now - Marta - you're too hard on yourself. Yes, I am - this much I know. And I've gotten much better over the past year and a half, but I also have to admit that I've done a great job at isolating myself over the years because it's nice and clean. I don't have to worry about people throwing their crap on me, or arguments, or put downs (save for a bit of sass from the boys every now and then). That's not reality is it? I guess that it will have to be my reality for now, and I'll keep working through other people's personal problems until I can find some of my own.

The Newbie
Today I started a prestigious new job at a hospital in Toronto. It's funny how I went from being very confident in my job last week, to feeling like I was completely out of my league this week. I was very fortunate in the fact that they wanted me for this job - I didn't have to apply or be interviewed or anything. So I've obviously impressed somebody over the last few years to get this position, but I almost feel like there is more pressure on me because of this. People are expecting me to perform! The person who is in charge of the Medical Dept is a barracuda - this person terrifies everyone. Today I was given the up and down during introductions - not sure if I passed the inspection. Wish me luck!

Our Obsession with Youth
I was flipping through a few magazines yesterday, and they were filled with advertisements for special creams, line erasers, line plumpers, you name it - all aimed at helping women to look younger. I can't believe the number of products that are on the market to supposedly help women to regain their youthful appearance. Why are we constantly feeding on our insecurities instead of celebrating our differences and flaws? While I may look back at my pictures from when I was younger and more beautiful, I wouldn't want to be the person that I was in my 20's. I like to think that it was all those tough moments in my life - the ones that really tested my strength - that have made me the more peaceful person that I am today. Surely I'm allowed a few wrinkles and scars to get to this point?
I think that one of the reasons that I loved Paris so much was the fact that the men there really appreciated and adored older women. I received a lot of attention from the men in that city, and yes I'm not that naive to note the fact that I was by myself and hence a perfect target for attention. But seriously - there didn't seem to be the focus on young, and skinny, and flawless like there is here. I know some guys my age (or older) who refuse to date women their own age - they won't even consider a woman who isn't at least 10 years younger. They are missing out on some really interesting people if you ask me.
I think that we should focus more on how youthful we feel, not how youthful we look. If you consider youth that way, then I will be forever young.

Adventures in Europe
This is one of my favourite pictures from my trip to Europe this past summer. Amsterdam is a city to be experienced - the canals, museums, neighbourhoods, and sights. I had one very fantastic night in particular where I explored the city with 5 other people from the international project that I am a part of. Okay, so we spent the evening in the red light district taking in the sights, the interesting shops, and .... um .... "coffee" houses. I don't consider myself a prude in any way, but some of the stores we encountered - wow. We stood outside looking at the merchandise in the window with very perplexed looks on our faces. I mean - what are you supposed to do with some of those things? I tried turning my head upside down to figure out a pogo-stick-looking kind of contraption, but my imagination couldn't even conjure up what you were supposed to do with it. One of the (dumb Canadian) guys that I was with thought that he could get away with taking a picture of some of the women in the windows, and man - he almost had his ass kicked by a very angry "working girl" spewing curses in Dutch. It was quite scary, although I nearly wet myself laughing after the fact. Then there were the "coffee" houses - whew. I can't remember the last time that I laughed so hard! The six of left the city in the wee hours of the morning having taken the vow of "what happens in Amsterdam, stays in Amsterdam".

Friday confessions
There are many things that I don't understand about relationships. I am forever trying to figure out why it is that I'm alone, but I also find myself looking at some relationships around me and wonder why these 2 people are together. Am I just being cynical if I say that there aren't a lot of positive role models for good relationships out there? I know couples who stay together for the kids (not doing them any favours - I'm a product of that mentality), I know partners who cheat on each other, I know wives who "look the other way" for a variety of things (affairs, drug addictions, alcoholism, etc) just so they can have a husband and a comfortable life, and I've even had women tell me how much they hate their husband but would never leave because they like their big house.
My thoughts? Life is too short. Don't be with somebody that you don't want to be with. Don't hide from the ugly, painful things in life. Get to know yourself and stop blaming the other person. Be brave. Communicate. If "okay" is good enough, then so be it - but doesn't the other person deserve to know what you're thinking?
Having said all this, I do believe that relationships require a lot of hard work. And happiness is not a realistic expectation to have every day. I've had my share of bad relationships, but I've also had some really great ones and have to take responsibility for the fact that I have completely blown it with some really great men. I have a friend who has discovered the qualities that he needs in a relationship - he summed it up in 2 words: fun and exploration. He then asked me how I would sum up what I need .... hmmm ..... I thought it would be easy to answer this on the spot. Having given it some thought, I think that I need exploration for sure (sorry to borrow your word C), passion (embrace the good and the bad), and self-awareness (so everyone can stop dumping their "stuff" on the other person).
What do you need?

Man Clothes
I am now the mother of a "child" who wears man clothes and has a man voice. He towers over me, can get smelly (and not that wonderful sweet powdery smell that kids have), and rivals me when it comes to his acne products. I have seen this kid in action when it comes to females too - whenever we go to the gym he always finds a few tarts to hang around with. I'm glad that his gym membership is contributing so positively towards his health.
But what really makes me feel old is the fact that my son is now participating in the same highschool trouble that I did when I was young. He has admitted to me that he drinks beer in the park with his friends (personally, I would love to see that since E HATES beer), and this past weekend he went to a country fair and drank JD in the parking lot! I thought he was joking when he first told me, but then he talked about how one of his friends puked and I realized that he was serious. What's next - having parties in MY house? My highschool parties were famous, but now that I am the parent there is no freaking way that any parties are going to occur here. I know what goes on at those things.
I guess that I should just be thankful for the fact that E feels comfortable enough to talk to me about these things. I have reached the point where I have to have the faith that I have raised him to be a responsible person, and instilled in him the important values that I want him to have and then ...... let go.

Chivalry is Dead
You have to live the commuting culture to believe it. The other day I noticed that men no longer find it necessary to display their manners (okay, I'm leaving the women out of this for now). At the train station, they are doing some platform work which means that only 1/2 the doors are accessible for boarding the train. When those doors open - look out. It is every man for themselves - there are people literally stomping on toes and pushing others out of the way to get on the damn train. And this includes men pushing women aside. People - it's not like the train is going to leave if you're the last man standing on the platform. And there are plenty of seats. I don't get it.
Then there was the time that I was trying to get out of the parking lot and one buddy decided that he didn't want to let my car in (despite the fact that it was a parking lot and nobody was moving). Little did he know that I have lived in the big city and was confidently aggressive enough to - gosh - go in front of him. He leaned on his horn (in front of the other 40 cars trying to get out) and then felt the need to pull up beside me, get his female passenger to roll down her window and then scream unbelievable profanities at me. It didn't seem to calm him down when I laughed at him. The rage was unbelievable. If I were that woman sitting in the car with him, I would seriously reconsider my choice of partner.

Music Freak
Today I was thinking about how much music has been a huge part of my life. Music evokes memories and stirs emotions. I still remember the song that I used to listen to before I wrote every exam in university (The Mission's "Tower of Strength"), and the first song of my first really big concert (David Bowie's "Modern Love"). There's certain songs that always make me feel like dancing - Abba's "Dancing Queen" for example, or songs that I could listen to over and over, like Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars". Do you ever get goosebumps from a song? You know what I love to do ..... sing out loud in my car. AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE. I get some weird looks from other drivers, but I don't care. If I don't sing in my car on the way to the train each morning, then the day doesn't start out right. Do I sound good? I don't want to know the answer to that.
I think that being a musician would be one of the coolest jobs in the world. Imagine being surrounded by music every day. I wonder if they ever get sick of it? You can tell the difference between a song that really means something to the singer, as opposed to the bullshit that you hear from the likes of a Jessica Simpson, or Britney Spears whose main motivation is cranking out shit that will make money so that they can keep up with their hair extension addictions. Blah.
"If music be the food of love, play on dude, play on!" (Not quite Shakespeare)

The C Word
I have been around cancer for the past 14 years of my life, but it's different when you hear it pertaining to yourself. This past Monday I was told that I probably have thyroid cancer. The only way to know for sure is to have my thyroid removed, so in a few weeks I hand my body over to a complete stranger who will slit my neck open and remove a part of me that isn't quite cooperating. I think that I handled the news very well - I asked a lot of questions (including "can this wait?") and worked out with my endocrinologist exactly what my next steps will be. He was happy to see that I wasn't (and I quote) "freaking out". I didn't know what good that would do.

Okay so now I think that I'm "freaking out". By Friday I was down in the dumps, and my mood just kept spiralling downward from there. Today is Sunday and I'm still crying from yesterday. I don't understand it - I know that I'm going to be okay. I know how cureable thyroid cancer is. When I fell asleep on the train on Thursday, I started writing my obituary in my head. What the hell is that? And the panic attacks have started again. I feel so alone right now. I don't want to go through this without a shoulder to cry on.