I lost my virginity

Yesterday I was a bikini-wax virgin. Alas, today I lost my innocence. And it wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be. My "partner" was gentle .... she made the experience okay. But what's the story with all the women who insist on Brazilian or LA wax jobs? We're supposed to have some hair there, and it bothers me when I hear about girls in their teens who already feel a need to get rid of all of their hair "down there".

As an aside - Flake is slowly working his way up the flake scale again. Not a word from him since Tuesday ..... I'm too old to try and figure out if somebody is interested in me. Just show me damn it! What do you think - one more chance? Then it's strike 3 and you're out my flakey friend.

And you'll never guess what I did last night .......... pole dancing! My friend J dragged me along for a group lesson and let me just tell you how much I rocked the pole! I had those firemen spins down in no time. It's harder than it looks. We went out for dinner afterwards with the other women, and it was so sad to hear how many of them can't stand their husbands, boyfriends, etc. What's up with that? Life is too short man. I realize that I go through my singledom woes every now and then, but I would rather be on my own than with somebody that I really don't like and/or have nothing in common with.

The drooling commuter

That's me - the freak who falls asleep on the train and twitches and drools because I'm so sound asleep. I have been so tired lately. Apparently my iron stores are at an all-time low, and the wicked heat (and lack of a/c) doesn't help. Thank goodness it's a long weekend ahead and I get to rest a bit.

Last day of school today! We have been told that B's new school will not be ready for September next year. He'll probably have to be bussed to another school and word is that the start time will be early. That sucks - his new school is 2 blocks away.

A big Happy Birthday to my girls ..... C and T!!!! Luv ya!

What I can't tell my dates:

“Please be that guy who will finally give me a reason to stop looking for that special something that has eluded me for so long. I’m tired of the question and answer dance that I have to play every time that I meet somebody new. I feel like I’m wasting time - time that should really be spent with somebody that I want to be with. I want somebody to share experiences with. I don’t want to have to figure out whether you’re into me or not because I’ll know it. You won’t be afraid to show it. If you’re that guy then I don’t care if you’re asking me about the next time you can see me when this time hasn’t even ended.

Please be that guy who doesn’t throw my past back in my face whenever you’re angry or upset. I want to feel safe and secure to tell you about the things that have really hurt me in my life, and how I’ve worked so hard to overcome them. I want you to be that guy who is willing to work through all the insecurities and who will grow with me and who will always make the effort where I’m concerned.

Please be that guy who realizes that people aren’t perfect, and that we all have our dark side. I want you to love the fact that I’m incredibly passionate, and to realize that when I feel things – I feel them big. I want you to be that guy who is willing to look beyond the things that I have gone through in my life, and who is willing to take the time to really get to know me because I am so worth it. I want you to love the fact that I’m so complex.”

How many 2nd dates do you think I’d get?

By popular demand

Fucktard: (noun) fuk-tard

Defn: A person, usually of the male persuasion, who is completely unaware (or so they say) of the impact that their hurtful actions and/or words has on others. For example:

1. dating somebody new only to find out months later that they have been sleeping with somebody else - their response to your hurt and anger is feigned disbelief that such an act could really be that big a deal, followed by the classic "I didn't tell you because you didn't ask" line.
2. the serial dater who tells you what a great time he had and would like to see you again because he really digs you, and then you never hear from again because he really didn't dig you after all but it was easier to say what he did than be honest with you
3. the father of your child who looks at your stomach following a gruelling c-section and wonders if "your stomach will ever look good again because right now it looks gross"
4. the ego-maniac ex-husband who freely scatters random womens' underwear around his house for you to find, and then blames the fact that he needs to sleep with other women on you, because you left him
5. the first love that you have who tells you that "you'll never be that pretty" just to keep you in your place

Get a grip Canada!

The Conference Board of Canada has released their report card comparing how Canada's performance compares to other industrialized nations in the following categories: Economy, Innovation, Environment, Education and Skills, Health, and Society. No surprise here - we're mediocre.

The report card took a hard look at our culture. We're not risk takers - we're afraid of failing. We're not comfortable with success and excellence. Shocking? Not really. We coddle our kids, and it's turning our society into one with wussy adults who expect to be spoon fed. Being in the post-secondary academic environment, I can't tell you how far down we are expected to push the spoon with these so-called adults. Tell me what I need to know. Tell me what the answer is - I'm not going to look for it when you're supposed to tell me. And sometimes we take the political correctness too far - can we even say handicapped anymore? What is it now - disabled? Physically challenged? What do you call black people - black? Negro? African-American? I have no clue because it's always changing.

We have school systems that don't allow us to fail students. Even if the kid doesn't do the work. At the university where I work, students are given a second chance if they fail - they can write a supplemental exam. What the hell? Did we have this 20 years ago when I was in university? I don't remember that. And sports teams where winning, losing, and keeping score no longer exist. We don't want to upset anyone or hurt their fragile ego. How are these things preparing kids for life?

Our fearless leader, Stephen Harper, constantly talks about what we can't do with respect to the environment. What about what we can do. Why is the message always so negative? And why do we constantly blame others for our failures?

Suck it up Canada. Life ain't fair. Work hard. Toot your own horn. Support each other. And let's start instilling a sense of personal responsibility back into this great country of ours.

The return of Flake

Remember Flake? Go back and read my entry about him somewhere around St. Paddy's Day. I haven't heard from the guy since mid-March, and then presto - an email from him at the end of May. Asking me out. Almost 3 months after the fact.

My first reaction was along the lines of "I don't think so" (make sure that you say that with a lot of attitude). Then I thought .... hmmm .... perhaps this could be fun. Fun to ask Flake why he's so flaky. And to see the process of his thinking on the spot.

So we had a date last night. And you know what? Flake is fun. A bit kooky like me, but interesting. And as my friend J says, he plays the piano and is handy around the house (he renovated his 1880 house all by himself and it's gorgeous!) so at least he's good for rhythm and usefulness. And he comes from this gi-normous family in Hamilton - he's one of 11 children (all the women reading this are feeling stabbing pains in their uterus right now) and has relatives on each freaking corner of the city. So I'm thinking of the social connections that could occur by knowing a guy like this.

Yes, Flake is good. All I have to get him to do is stop being so flaky.

Constitutional Law #98470 - No Crocs Allowed!

I think that there should be a law banning people from wearing crocs. Those are god-awful, butt ugly footwear people - I don't care HOW comfortable they are. They're ugly! And environmentally unfriendly.

I have vowed to never wear them - ever! Here are some other clothing faux-pas that I will never do:

1. polyester pants
2. skinny jeans
3. thongs as big as dental floss
4. parkas that are every colour of the rainbow - and those really, really puffy ones too
5. white socks with anything but athletic shoes
6. fur
7. shoulder pads (what were we thinking in the 80's?)
8. ruffles (they turn my D-cups into M-cups .... M for massive!)
9. really pointy-toe shoes (nose pickers)
10. skorts

Feline capers

I curse my 2 cats all the time, but deep down I love them. They have been a part of our family for 11 years. B has never known a day without them. They rip up my carpet, deposit fur on every surface in my house, and drive me nuts when they're hungry .... but they have such personality and charm. Toby, the female, is totally neurotic. Kirby, the male, is freakishly smart and has human-like qualities. He doesn't meow - he chirps.

But I draw the line at depositing cute little DEAD chipmunks at the front of my house! Yes, one of my kitties has murdered the wildlife - if the white-hairs in my condo complex got news of this then they would banish my cats! I have already noticed postings in our condo newsletter about not letting your animals "stray" in the area and terrorize the wildlife. (Give me a break - they're animals for god's sake!). And there was major excitement on Saturday when a strange cat made it's way into my house by opening the sliding screen door. Kirby went all out ape-shit freaky on this poor cat, and at the end of the melee I was left with piles of fur on my carpet, and one pissed off kittie.

Adventures in Paris part deux

Versailles is like no other place that I've seen. Over the top extravagance. Only a small portion of the palace is open to the public, but it is incredible. I tried to capture a picture of the Hall of Mirrors, but the image didn't do it justice. I can see why the peasants revolted and started the revolution. Watch "Marie Antoinette" if you get a chance because it was filmed in Versailles. I walked the hallways that Marie walked, I saw the bed that she slept in (she gave birth to her first child in this bed - it was a public affair that completely humiliated her), I stood in the chapel where Marie and Louis XVI were married (she was 14 and he was 15), I sat in the opera seats that members of the court sat in ..... all spectacular. The grounds of the palace are amazing as well. There is a huge man-made canal at the back - it's 1.5km from the palace to the end of the canal. Louis and Marie also had their own "cottages" on the property, and it took about 30 minutes to walk to them (the Grand Trianon was Louis' and the Petit Trianon was Marie's).

It's hard to imagine that people actually lived like this - Marie had people to dress her, bathe her - heck somebody probably even wiped her ass when she went to the bathroom (the royal wiper).

Insanity

I have a very close friend who is going through separation hell right now. Her ex has not handled the split very well, even though he has known about her intentions to leave for about a year. My friend has to put up with verbal abuse, physical abuse, dozens of vile emails every day - you get the picture. She is worried about the safety of her kids every time that they visit him. I am worried about her safety. I wouldn't put it past this guy to harm her.

Having been through the family law system for far too many reasons spanning over far too many years, the one thing that I realized from my experiences is just how little the law protects you. There were times that I felt that I was going crazy - listening to wild accusations about my behaviour - the abuse of justice was insane. And now I see my friend going through the exact same thing. It's hard for her to keep a level head. Her lawyer is worried about the safety of the children when they visit the father - what the fuck?!? Then DO SOMETHING!!!! Her kids need counseling - they are seeing and hearing things that they shouldn't. A 10-year old should not have to pull his father off of his mother to save her. A 7-year old should not have to hear that his mother is a whore and a loser. A mother should not have to suffer through juvenile games all in the name of using the kids to get back at her.

How is she supposed to stay well when her ex is mentally unwell and doing crazy things? And making crazy threats. I fear that the law will do nothing and a tragedy will occur. How is all of this in the best interests of the children?

What did you expect?

My bike adventure has been called off. The guy who has been cycling his entire life is worried because one woman involved has never shown up for our Sunday rides, and because he is worried about my lack of energy after our ride last Sunday. Without trying to sound bitter - what the fuck did he expect? He assured me that I would be ready for the daily 100km rides after I voiced my concern about the small amount of training time for this adventure. Add in my surgery and after-effects ...... what was I thinking?

I'm trying not to be annoyed. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I cycled 65km after only a month of training on my bike. And I know that my hormones are messed up and my little piece of thyroid isn't working - I can barely haul my ass out of bed most days. No energy, sore neck - and yet I'm still forcing myself to get on my bike 3-4 days a week.

I'm disappointed ..... yet slightly relieved.

Paris Je T'aime

I watched the movie "Amelie" again the other day - inspired by my trip to Paris. I love that movie - so sweet, yet bizarre at the same time. And man, if I could cut my bangs that short and get away with it then I would! (Unfortunately I think that my head would resemble a very large egg.) I loved seeing neighbourhoods and places in the movie that I have seen. Here's my list of must-see Paris-related movies:

1. Marie Antoinette - technically not Paris, but they filmed in Versailles which is just outside Paris. Spectacular.
2. An American in Paris - classic Gene Kelly
3. Moulin Rouge - hate Nicole Kidman (although the bitch can sing) LOVE Ewan McGregor
4. Last Tango in Paris - Marlon Brandon does smut so well
5. DaVinci Code - not the best interpretation of a novel, but it was good enough. Great scenes in and around the Louvre.
6. Le Divorce - fluffy little movie with Naomi Watts and Kate Hudson. Actually not that bad.
7. Paris Je T'aime - "through the neighborhoods of Paris, love is veiled, revealed, imitated, sucked dry, reinvented and awakened." Haven't actually seen it yet, but heard it was fabulous.

Loverly

This is going to be a happy, positive post .... if it kills me. My son, in all his 16-year old coolness, has decided that his hip thing right now is "word of the day". Today it was percolating. It started me thinking about words that I love, such as:

• tranquil
• synapse
• pantheon
• vacillate
• quagmire
• sedation
• tenacious
• cappuccino
• willow
• serendipity
• marshmallow

Nope - fucktard didn't make it. Or douchebag. Or synergy. Or capstone. Or any other lame buzzword that I hear all the freaking time at work that drives me crazy and makes me want to scream because people just like to throw around important-sounding words without really thinking about what they're saying! Oops ........

Feedback

Apparently I need to smarten up - it was pointed out to me that my last few posts have been very negative. That's probably true. I'm walking misery right now. Job, personal life, etc. Fed up. I realize that I'm not putting out a very good energy right now, so according to the teachings of the Secret I'm bound to get shit in return. I'll try to turn it around.

Promise.

Politics

Today was a crappy day at work - I got caught up in some stupid politics and I don't know how to play the game. I don't want to play the game. The hospital that I am currently working at is affiliated with a BIG university in Toronto (guess which one) and the other cancer clinical site is part of this affiliation as well. They are complete morons over there. They refuse to be flexible (unless you wave some cash under their nose) and they don't treat our students very well. They pull out of promises that they made just to hold things as leverage for a while so that they can pout and stomp their feet, knowing full well that they will give in in the end. Just fun to make us sweat a bit first and send the message that they're not happy. How juvenile.

The thing that irks me the most is that I used to share an office with the person who is making all of these decisions now and who is now being a complete ass. This person used to be so supportive of our education program and our students! Apparently the political head-butting that is occuring between the 2 clinical sites is astounding. To me, there should be no politics in health care. We're supposed to be in this profession because we are compassionate and understanding people. Throw somebody a salary over $100,000 and watch their leadership warp and tumble.

Bitch.

Frustrated

Back to the cycling today - it wasn't pretty. I started off well, but after about 30km and a break for an energy bar, I hit the wall. The 2 people that I usually ride with are leagues above me when it comes to being in shape - one of them has been cycling since they were 7 (and is now in his 50's) and the other has been doing it for over a year and is obsessive about working out. Me - I have a whole lot of wine, bread, and chocolate to burn off after my trip.

So when we hit a few hills on the way home, I felt like my body just wouldn't move. I made it up each hill, but I must have looked pathetic. And my buddies were way ahead of me. And then the negative thoughts almost defeated me. Am I actually going to be ready for our cycling adventure in 5 weeks? We're planning on 100km a day for 4 days straight! What was I thinking? I still managed 60km today, but it's painful how out of shape I am.

Adventures in Paris, Part Un

This year I got to see the Eiffel Tower at night. Every hour, there are thousands of LED lights on the tower that twinkle and make it look like a giant champagne glass or something (of course, Parisians feel that this is making a travesty of their beloved monument!). Anyhow, K and I were standing in line and we had quite a wait - about 40 minutes just to get to the ticket booth, and then another 5 to get onto the elevator. And wouldn't you know it, that there's always people who will try to bud in. And me being the enforcer of fair that I am, tend to say things to people like this. So there were these young punks who bought their tickets and then felt that they would bud in, and when I kindly told them where the end of the line was they felt that I could basically go fuck myself* because they were entitled to bud. The people around me agreed that they should go to the end of the line, but they were cocky enough to do what they wanted. (*my choice of words - the f-bomb was not hurled at me during this encounter, or at least I didn't hear it hurled my way as I'm sure that it was said under their breath)

Everywhere we went, we ran into people like that. And while I hate to bring culture into this, it seemed that the budders, pushers, and line-jumpers were either Asian or Spanish. Pushy, pushy people. Is it because they come from such over-populated cities and countries that manners don't matter in their day to day navigation? Or are Canadians just "too polite"?

Paris was busy. We had to line up for everything. Most of it was in the pouring rain. I have issues with people who don't exhibit common courtesies towards others.

Too harsh?

Was I too harsh in my posting yesterday? I had a couple comments today to the effect of "I don't ever want to piss you off". I'm just fed up and astounded by the lack of integrity in people. Some of my friends are dealing with a load of bullshit right now and I feel so sad (and helpless) as I stand by and watch their pain. And if I am hit on by one more married guy, I think that I'll scream. These guys have all had one thing in common - they all play the victim really well. Please - it's pathetic.

Life is about choices. Make good ones.

Douche bag

Defn: (noun) doosh-bag

1. somebody who puts their wants and desires before the well-being of their children; example, a man who leaves random women's underwear scattered freely about his house for his children to find and ponder who they belong to since mommy doesn't live there anymore
2. somebody who doesn't realize that they're not 16 anymore and should thus stop partying their faces off and drinking copious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis because (a) your drunken party faces just aren't cute anymore at this age, (b) people aren't looking your way because they wish that they were having that much fun, (c) puke stories are not funny when you're 40, and (d) not remembering details of the night before isn't a good story - it's just sad
3. somebody who refuses to leave their marriage "because of the kids", yet insists on multiple flirtations (including online solicitations) and affairs to get him/her through this very rough period in their life (boo fucking hoo).

Stay tuned for next week's definition of "fucktard".

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I 'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Je suis triste

I promise that's the last french title that you will see in a while. I woke up completely bummed today. And then I read the newspaper and I'm even more morose. I realize that I'm freaking tired from my trip - both K and I had a hard time recovering from the jet lag thing (although personally I think that we were both feeling the effects of how much our lives have sucked the energy out of us because things are less than stellar for both of us right now). And I haven't been feeling well since my surgery, to the point where I'm convinced that some nerve damage was done and I'm going to have a sore throat for the rest of my life. I'm just so darn sad today.

For some reason I am painfully aware of how alone I am. The reality of nobody loving me hits me hard sometimes, and it seems to come up whenever I return home from a trip and there is nobody to greet me at the airport or I come home to an empty house. And then I start the usual "what the fuck is so wrong with me that nobody loves me" crap. Self pity at its best.

And then this morning I'm up early, make some coffee (the old Timmies just ain't the same as that lovely, strong, Parisian cafe), and sit down with the newspaper. What the fuck is wrong with this world? So much hatred! By the end of the first section I was in tears. We are living in the age of anger. Ethnic and religious conflicts dominate every corner of this planet - and yet, forgiveness is a central foundation of every major religion. Why aren't we practicing that? The late June Callwood said that forgiveness is what life is all about. I don't see this being practiced anywhere. Domestic brutality, road rage, random slaughtering of innocents, disparaging comments ...... why is everybody so angry? Have we reduced ourselves to an instinctual animal mentality of kill before getting killed?

Do you ever feel like there's no hope for us? The way that society is "evolving" (and I use this term lightly) scares me. Makes me want to crawl back into bed and just sleep.

Je suis retourné

Yes, I'm back. We had a fabulous time in France even though:

1. It rained in Paris. A lot.
2. French people are snobs.
3. French cuisine is very challenged when it comes to us vegetarians (you'd think that they could grow some soy beans in with all those grapes somewhere).
4. We both had a wicked case of jet lag that we couldn't shake for about 5 days.

But it's Paris for god's sake. A beautiful city with lots to do and see. Culture galore! And this time I ventured outside of Paris to other parts of France - we saw parts of Brittany, the Loire Valley, and Provence (Avignon). The wine, the pastries, the cafe, the bread - c'est bon!

French dudes lacking this time (probably because I wasn't a lone, female traveller). And is it just me or are many of them smelly and kind of scruffy looking? I heard that a French shower consists of throwing on some deodorant and splashing water on your face. Mon Dieu!